Best Self-Defense Tools? Um…I Don’t Know…How ‘Bout a Gun

Ok, so to start, I get that the article in question appeared in the New York Post, published in, of course New York City, where all things “guns” are strictly verboten, so a New Yorker is naturally going to get creative. But therein lies the problem: When trying to determine or write an article about the best self-defense tools available, there is clearly, one option that trumps all others. The others are nice, maybe even kinda cool. But none of them are a gun. A firearm in virtually any of its many designs and configurations is the best self-defense tool ever created by man and, some bumper sticker enthusiasts might argue, perfected by Samual Colt. In the game of rock, paper, scissors, if you added nuke, which would beat all the others combined, the gun plays that same role in a discussion of self-defense tools.

But, for shits and giggles, let’s play along for a minute. 

So the Post article, “How to stay safe with some of the best self-defense tools on the market,” was a nice New York-safe (sort of, more on that in a minute) article by Emma Sutton-Williams. A quick look at Ms. Sutton-Williams’ bio reveals she is an ardent electric scooter rider, a proud dog mom to a designer breed of Mini Sheepadoodle (not sure what that really is though speculating it’s a super ineffective version of a tiny sheep dog mixed with some version of poodle and is likely infinitely cute and hypoallergenic) and is a Julliard-trained violinist (impressive). She is no doubt quite talented, rather smart, exceptionally cultured, fashionably attractive, a solid writer and likely has zero familiarity or knowledge of firearms.

So, she got creative and looked at the typical non-gun items that can be used to knock an attacker senseless or simply attack his (or her) senses. Here was the author’s premise:

“In a world where chaos has taken root, propelled by social media and broadcasted entertainment, we constantly feel its toll on our society. The atmosphere is charged with a fearful undertone, robbing us of tranquility, even joy, if we let it. The world has stopped listening to one another, causing a wake of public shaming, name-calling, and acts of violence.

“In an effort to make our readers feel as safe as possible, we researched the best self-defense tools and techniques to feel protected and empowered. Knowing how to shield yourself is crucial whether you’re walking alone at night or navigating crowded public spaces.”

The Post is doing a little what The Truth About Guns is doing. We want our readers to feel safer, too. We just take a more direct, reliable approach to promoting that safety. 

Ms. Sutton-Williams encourages readers to “always run away or hide from threats where possible.” That’s an understandably New York approach where everyone today is taught to acquiesce to threats because their attacker has probably been harmed by some injustice that has made them that way.

And in all honesty, retreat or possibly hiding (though I really don’t like that option because that can go bad on you in an instant if found) are the smarter legal options and certainly retreating is the one that gives you the best odds of living to fight another day. But I read the comments section of this site, and I know, nobody here is going to admit to ever planning on retreating. Most of us are adherents to the Castle Doctrine and Stand Your Ground principles of law and we believe if someone bad wants to bring it, then we’ll give it to them. We are generous in that respect and for the most point, committed to legally and responsibly protecting ourselves when necessary.

“(B)ut if you have no choice but to face your attacker,” she writes. “We’ve provided a few self-defense tools to keep you alive.” Let’s look at these tools and what the Post has to say about the benefits of each.

Best Taser for Self-Defense – Taser Pulse 2

So, just below the firearm in the use of force continuum is the taser. With this choice, the article is close, but no cigar on top effective self-defense tool. And, it is still not clearly, any more legal than a gun is in that great Metropolis. The city had banned them (legal language that still exists) but a judge in 2019 ruled it unconstitutional for the city to ban them. So, now it appears, the city is not enforcing the rule and New Yorkers can carry them as long as they don’t engage in criminal activities. That’s legal quicksand in that area as what could be determined to be a “criminal activity” is up to the city. Outside of NYC, the Taser Pulse 2, with a price tag right at $400 is just as expensive, if not more expensive, than a number of quality handguns, and still not quite as effective at stopping a serious attack.

We will say, we do still love stun guns, too. They can actually turn a defended attack into a TikTok-worthy video clip as an attacker goes rigid and craps his pants before lying on the ground twitching in anticipation of the police’s arrival.

Best Pepper Spray for Self-Defense – Sabre Pepper Spray, Quick Release Keychain

Pepper spray is also a worthwhile, nonlethal defense tool that can certainly work in a pinch, doesn’t require much training to deploy and isn’t as wrapped up in the legal pitfalls firearm use may be when discharged in a defensive action. It can leave your attacker writhing in absolute agony if he’s not overly hyped on PCP or meth, and unless he has some bizarre allergic reaction, he gets the chance to live until his court date, where in NYC, he may then be seen as the victim and released only to be pepper sprayed again at a later date.

Just watch the winds on those city streets. They can cut through those buildings like canyons and blow back if spraying the wrong direction, which can render you incapacitated instead of your attacker and make you easier pickings than you were when you simply woke up this morning looking to catch the 4 train over to 51^st and Lex.

It’s here where the author’s creativity kicked in and things got, well, interesting:

Best Self-Defense Keychain – She’s Birdie

Assuming a piercingly loud noise will be enough to dissuade your attacker, I guess a keychain alarm is better than simply screaming. But my money is on it will just make it easier for them to find your unconscious body after the attacker has finished up. But hey, as the article points out, it does at least come “in stylish, fun shades.” But then so does an SKS Guns Santa Muerte, a tricked-out Colt 1911 in .38 Super that commemorates Mexico’s “Day of the Dead” and can even inspire some felonious attacker to join the celebration as a vaunted honoree if he decides your keychain alarm isn’t enough to change his plans.

Best Concealed Self-Defense Article – CRKT Williams Defense Key

Here’s a name many EDC folks might recognize as CRKT makes cool knives, tools and apparently defensive keys. The Williams Defense Key is like a house key but has a wider grip that fits nicely in your fist and extends between the fingers with a more jagged edge than a standard key. It’s perfect for punching a fresh sucking wound into the esophagus of an attacker or shredding a cornea so eye juice oozes where sight once flowed. Drive it hard enough into the eye with the force of a Katie Taylor headbutt in a Tyson-Paul prelim bout and it’s long enough you might even scrape frontal brain lobe.

It’s a nifty tool, but still forces me to get closer to my attacker than I care to. I want to avoid hands on with my mugger (actually keep him from going hands on) at all costs and keep the distance at least a car length between us and bridgeable by only 600 ft-lbs of launched energy from Grand pap’s Nam-era .45. 

More Self-Defense Tools

Additional tools listed in the affiliate-intended article include items from the intriguing to the “hmmm, okay.”

Defender Rings were the intriguing. The company offering rings that would rival a fistful of Tom Brady’s Super Bowl Rings worn at the same time. Made of stainless steel and available in a variety of gold plating, the rings have features that allow you to dig into skin like a short ice pick and potentially fracture nose and cheek bones when the proper force is applied. Again, too hands on.

The article also mentioned a self-defense cane, the use of which has been taught in executive security and defensive classes; a tire thumper, which looks more like a vintage police night stick carried by the late, great Sean Connery in The Untouchables and an odd item to tote around the city unless you want to look like the attacker; an old-school Heavy-Duty 3 D-Cell Maglite that used to be carried by police until they realized more lumens and compact size were a better benefit than a model that served as a secondary baton (Though I do know one retired officer who once used one to successfully subdue a drugged out naked dude. He said it worked quite well putting a crease into a skull like a dry cleaner working on a pair of khakis.); and lastly, with the younger generation’s penchant for hydrating ad nauseam, a BruMate Era 30-ounce tumbler with a handle and straw was recommended as an everyday tool that could be used in a last-ditch effort to bash an attacker in the head. Sure, if you must.

What About a Gun?

So, lots of nifty little self-defense items, but what about the most effective, purpose-built, superiorly designed, reliably performing firearm. When it comes to self-defense, there really is only one choice. It does indeed come with the need for more responsibility and judiciousness in its possible use, but when defending your life or protecting the life of someone you love really matters, there is one item that makes every person alive equal in lethality, is easy for anyone to physically use and can most dependably stop an attacker in his tracks, and that my friends, is the good old basic gun—defending Americans since, well, before we were even called Americans.