Halloween, that night of childish horror, is upon us like the whitetail rut and what better time to ponder the best defensive options against the season’s most terrifying villains than as the sun begins to set. Let’s be honest, if any of us were a character in the top horror movies, we wouldn’t hide in a closet and merely wait for our end to come via knife slashing, hockey mask wearing, thrift store apparel reject or walk into a dark barn looking for Barbara—unless she’s super hot AND unless we were strapped like the Terminator looking to snuff Sarah Connor. So, let’s consider what firearm might finally put these slasher stars down—for good—and give you a fighting chance to walk away physically unscathed…even if your mind remains a little freaked out.

Michael Myers (Halloween)

Best Known For: Mask, coveralls and that butcher knife that’s somehow scarier than a chainsaw. Michael Myers is a walking wall of creepy determination, moving slow and steady toward you with dead eyes, impervious to whatever you throw at him. You run over him with a car or shoot him, he falls and—surprise!—he gets back up every time.

Best Gun to Stop Him: Remington 870 12-gauge shotgun loaded with 1-ounce slugs. Yeah, Michael can take a bullet or five, but a 12-gauge slug has a special way of making even the toughest killers stumble. You’d need the raw stopping power of those slugs to put a crater in that Shatner mask of his. Plus, with a pump-action shotgun, you’ve got the satisfying “click-clack” between shots for a little extra intimidation—and movie audience expectation—because Michael may not feel fear, but he’ll damn sure feel five slugs penetrating that big melon of his.

Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)

Best Known For: Creeping into your dreams and turning them into gore-filled, claw-handed horror shows. (Hell, I tried not to sleep for a week after first seeing A Nightmare on Elm Street but then I think I actually started becoming Freddy so I took my chances with the nightmares—and some much-needed slumber.) Freddy’s not bound by the usual rules of reality, so fighting him off with an everyday firearm is…well, complicated. He’ll turn your bullets into popcorn or turn himself into a fountain of blood just for fun.

Best Gun to Stop Him: AA-12 fully automatic shotgun with a drum magazine. Hear me out: you’re already fighting this guy in his domain, so you need something with enough power and capacity to buy you a few precious seconds to wake up. An AA-12 with a drum mag will keep up with whatever dream-bending antics Freddy throws your way. Spray and pray may be all you’ve got in the nightmare world, so make those rounds count and hope you can roll out of bed before he closes in with those razor-tipped fingers of his.

Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th)

Best Known For: Machete, hockey mask, silent but relentless killing style. Jason is horror’s original tank, and short of running away (if only he weren’t always right behind you), it’s gonna take something serious to put him down for good. He shrugs off bullets and falls from buildings. Even a chainsaw barely scratches him.

Best Gun to Stop Him: Barrett .50-caliber sniper rifle. You’re going to want to be far, far away from machete range if you’re taking on Jason. The .50-caliber can punch through pretty much anything, and a well-placed headshot (or three) from a distance could slow him down and even in Friday the 13th land, turn his hockey masked dome into a fine pink mist. Sure, Jason’s tough, but the energy from a chopper-dropping .50-caliber round should at least give you time to run like hell as his head, with the help of Hollywood make-up artists, regenerates and he pops back out of a lake or something. Remember, the only thing more of your friend here than the Barrett, is distance…lots and lots of distance.

Hannibal Lecter (The Silence of the Lambs)

Best Known For: Cannibalism, high IQ, taste for liver and fava beans. Hannibal isn’t the hulking brute you’d find in a slasher flick, but he’s lethal in his own way. His intellect is his greatest weapon, but he’s got no problem getting physical when he has to.

Best Gun to Stop Him: Glock 19 with a SilencerCo Spectre 9 suppressor. Hannibal isn’t here to chainsaw you to bits; he’s far more subtle, so he’s going to be on you before you know it. We are talking a complete CQB sitch with Hannibal. A compact Glock 19 would give you plenty of capacity without the bulk, allowing you to keep it close while making sure you have enough rounds when things go south. Quiet but deadly, the suppressed Glock gives you a fighting chance if Dr. Lecter tries to get up close and personal. Is that a knife in your hands Hannibal or are you really just glad to see me? Fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh. An added bonus with a suppressor is you can keep things…low-key. No need to alert Clarice Starling and her FBI cronies. We’ll just keep the Feds out of this so they can stick to doing what they do best: surveilling honest citizens and providing false intel just before elections. Meanwhile you can kick back and enjoy your own liver (preferably a calf’s, not a census taker’s), bowl of fava beans (what are those actually?) and a nice Chianti. Fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh.

Leatherface (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)

Best Known For: Chainsaw, questionable family, scary-as-hell mask made of…yeah, you know… human skin. (Not something you’re getting at Party City for the office Halloween party, though they do carry some fair Chinese knock-offs made of latex.) Leatherface is all about brute force and raw power, and when you hear that chainsaw revving up, it’s time to think fast, run, fight if you have to and worry about changing your pants later.

Best Gun to Stop Him: Mossberg 940 Pro Tactical – Thunder Ranch shotgun. Yeah, it’s clear, I do love the solid close-range punch of a big bore shotgun to eliminate most serious threats in this world—real or imagined. Nothing says “back off” like a classic Mossberg, masters of tactical shotguns since Uncle Homer used them to drop head first into dark jungle tunnels in search of Charlie. It’s rugged, reliable and can put a world of hurt on anything within chainsaw range. Going with the solid semi-auto 940 instead of the proven pump-action of the 590 is a matter of preference for me when dealing with Leatherface types, but it gives me both ample capacity to handle a chainsaw-wielding maniac as well as rapid, smooth shot delivery with each simple squeeze of the trigger. (Plus, I got the chance to learn firsthand how to defensively weild that puppy from Thunder Ranch’s Clint Smith and Jack Daniel this summer, so I feel a tad more ready.) Trained up or not, a semi-auto just makes it that much easier to send rounds downrange under the kind of stress only Leatherface can bring.

Choose Your Poison

There you have it: horror movie self-defense for those willing to fight fire, or chainsaws, or slashing blades or simple super-human brute strength with firepower—the only true equalizer among man and beast—and hopefully psychotic super villain. Each of these horror heavyweights brings a unique set of “skills” to the table, but with the right gun (and a whole lot of luck), you just might survive the night.

Remember what Arnold told Apollo Creed in the Central American jungles of Predator (okay, yeah the movies and names are a little mixed up, but the sentiment remains): If it bleeds, we can kill it. (Not 100% sure Freddy technically bleeds though, so you may be a little screwed on that one. I’m just speculating.)

So, what top zombie and psycho gun would you choose to end the reign of terror from any one of these ghoulish fiends? Share your thoughts in the comments below…if you dare.

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63 COMMENTS

  1. If I am in a dream realm, I may as well go for broke. I want a minigun like in Predator or T2. With dream physics in play, it will be light enough to wield easily and never run out of ammo. Also, if I die, it will be in a pile of empty brass the size of Hot Shots part deaux.

  2. Except for the Silence of the Lambs I’ve never seen any of those movies. I had read the Thomas Harris novel prior to the movie. Enjoyed them both. Pretty sure what I’ve got laying around for the average idiot will work for Hannibal too.

  3. I can only speculate from some of your past commenting, but I would imagine you have what it takes at your home to take care of Hannibal just fine. Thanks for reading.

    • Yeah, it seems like all you’d really have to do is have a decent weapon and not be a blindly trusting idiot around him or put any stock into his attempts at verbal judo and you’ve got an instant advantage over anyone else he deals with.

      It probably helps if you’re not a character written by Thomas Harris, since (just like Cormac McCarthy did with Judge Holden) he clearly fell in love with his creation to the point that Hannibal’s only an unstoppable force of nature with irresistible sway over his victims because the author says so. Meanwhile, anyone in the real world who knew who he was and what he’s capable of would just blow his head off before he got a word in.

      • Iron, I always liked McCarthy. He’s a bit dark, but that’s okay. He’s not the first. My sister won’t touch one of his books.

        • I pretty much had to go with the interpretation that the Judge was either Satan in disguise or otherwise supernaturally demonic in nature, because it was FAR too difficult to suspend disbelief that any normal dude could constantly pull off and get away with such cartoonishly evil stuff over and over again with nobody ever just putting a bullet in him.

    • 1000%

      Turn off Hollywood evil. Smash your television. It’s like inviting a vampire into your home.

      • Same thought – over 16 and watch this Hollyweird BS? Need some self-examination of your use of time (do you REALLY want to support these leftist anti-American degenerates?).

  5. Trick or Treat…The cackling hyena just wants what she sees best for you and yours…

    h ttps://youtube.com/shorts/nQWJd4Z1eeQ?feature=shared

    • Debbie, which firearm would you recommend to deal with this machete wielding misguided youth?

      “18-year-old Trump supporter arrested after ‘antagonizing’ voters with a machete at Neptune Beach polling location

      October 30, 2024 at 1:18 a.m. UTC
      By William Clayton and ActionNewsJax.com News Staff
      NEPTUNE BEACH, Fla. — Neptune Beach Police have arrested 18-year-old Caleb James Williams on felony charges of aggravated assault after he allegedly threatened two women with a machete at the Beaches Branch Library, an early voting site. The incident involved a group protesting with Trump flags and signs.

      Caleb’s bond was set at $55,000 and he was ordered to stay 1,000 feet away from polling locations except for going to his polling place to vote. He is due back in court on Nov. 20.“

      • minor49iq RE: “Debbie, which firearm would you recommend to deal with this machete wielding misguided youth?”

        If you have to ask what kind of firearm one needs to deal with a blade says a lot about your level of self defense.

        Furthermore…You waving around someone who you assume can damage TRUMP/VANCE 2024 doesn’t hold water when you belong to the party that owns the Legacy of Slavery, segregation, Jim Crow, lynching, the kkk, Eugenics, Gun Control and other race based atrocities. Plus for votes opens the borders to let in murderers, rapists and then there are the drugs, etc…Any more questions?

      • …any more questions? Yeah Minor Irritant , I have one – when you’re perusing the internet for these stories, do you just ignore the ones like the two Kamalama Dingdong supporters that were arrested Tuesday at one of her rallys for assaulting a police officer?
        Just another example of your speciousness on display.

        • “two Kamalama Dingdong supporters that were arrested Tuesday at one of her rallys for assaulting a police officer?“

          More of your disinformation, we can tell you’re lying because you do not link to a source document or provide a citation. The truth is, those folks were attempting to cross the police line and disrupt Kamala Harris‘s rally:

          “2 arrested near Vice President Kamala Harris’ DC rally for assaulting police officers
          by Ida Domingo
          Wed, October 30th 2024 at 11:07 AM
          Updated Wed, October 30th 2024 at 2:05 PM

          MPD said around 7 p.m., a woman attempted to cross a police line at 15th Street and Constitution Avenue, NW, ignoring officers’ instructions.

          When officers tried to remove her, she allegedly began assaulting them. Police said a second individual approached officers from behind and also reportedly assaulted them
          Both individuals were arrested charged with assaulting a police officer. The officers were not injured, MPD added.

          Additionally, 7News’ Tom Roussey was on the scene when some individuals were seen beingescorted out by security while reportedly trying to disrupt the rally:

          Tom Roussey
          @tomroussey7news
          One man was just walked out by security after screaming and trying to disrupt the Kamala Harris rally“

      • The media calls him a Trump supporter because he embedded himself in the group there protesting and displaying Trump flags and signs. In reality he is not a Trump supporter and was there to stab the Trump signs with his machete and had already stabbed one. Basically another ‘Kamala left-wing-mind-virus-disease’ infected individual.

        • “In reality he is not a Trump supporter and was there to stab the Trump signs with his machete and had already stabbed one“

          Just another of your unsupported claims.

          Unfortunately for you, the police conducted an investigation:

          “Authorities say he stood inside the parking lot posing in pictures with the machete with several other male juveniles who were chanting in support of former President Trump.

          “The investigation revealed that the group arrived to protest and antagonize the opposing political side,” police Chief Michael Key told reporters at a briefing, saying the incident, which comes amid rising fears of political violence surrounding the 2024 election, “escalated into a verbal disturbance.”

          Williams, the only adult in the group, was also the only one arrested. He was charged with aggravated assault on a person 65 years of age or older and improper exhibition of a firearm or dangerous weapon.“

          Of course, you MAGA folk all about ‘law and order’, right up until the chief of police tells the truth and shows that you are a liar.

          If you have information that is contrary to the statements of the police chief, kindly post them here.

          Otherwise, reasonable folks will have a good laugh at your expense.

          • “The investigation revealed that the group arrived to protest and antagonize the opposing political side,”

            The group with the Trump signs and flags “arrived to protest and antagonize the opposing political side,” – not machete-kid, he had a different agenda.

            The kid though, embedded himself in that group there protesting and displaying Trump flags and signs, for the purposes of stabbing the Trump signs with his machete and had already stabbed one.

            The kid like a lot of others, posted his intent on his social media accounts. He embedded himself in the group there protesting and displaying Trump flags and signs. In reality he is not a Trump supporter and was there to stab the Trump signs with his machete and had already stabbed one. Basically another ‘Kamala left-wing-mind-virus-disease’ infected individual.

            • And again, you make these claims, that are contrary to what the police chief on the scene who conducted the investigation reports.

              “The kid though, embedded himself in that group“
              “The kid like a lot of others, posted his intent on his social media accounts“

              Provide a link to support these claims of yours, tell us why you think the police chief on the scene has it wrong.

              Why do you have a problem with the chief of police investigative results, do you have specific information or just empty claims?

              • “And again, you make these claims, that are contrary to what the police chief on the scene who conducted the investigation reports.”

                I did no such thing. learn to read, and learn what context means.

      • I’ve found grand pianos dropped from 13 storeys is best for flattening evil but miners That or a 500lb advil from Acme(tm)

      • “Debbie, which firearm would you recommend to deal with this machete wielding misguided youth?”

        Miner49er, why are you so interested in your “misguided youth” being ‘dealt’ with at gun point?

  6. Horror movies require the stupidity of the victims to work. Stupid people need to be thinned from the herd. So Jason and Leatherface and the rest are doing society a favor.

  7. IWI TS-12 with Brenneke Green Lightning Slugs. Ghost loaded for a total of 17 in the gun. Mostly because that’s what I already have on hand. 🙂

  9. Tim Walz speed loading a shotgun while a hoarde of Zombie monsters attack.
    Lucky for him Queen Kamala jumps in and commands all Zombies to be full of joy.
    The movie ends with all the Zombie monsters trading body parts transgenderizing full of peace love and tranquility.

    • Dduly elected official,

      You, sir or ma’am, win the Intertubez for best comedy comment of the day!

  10. My first choice as I stated above was a minigun. Why worry about delay tactics or stopping power for Jason, Michael, Leatherface, or Freddie when you can simply saw them in half? I have never seen a legless torso pursue anyone.

    In the unlikely event that I would not have a minigun available, I would opt for a semi-auto 12 gauge shotgun with 8-shell capacity. The only question is whether I would load it with #000 buckshot, slugs, or both.

    As for Hannibal Lector, I tend to agree with the handgun approach, although I would probably drop down to a sub-compact (with 10 round minimum capacity) for maximum concealability and to guarantee the element of surprise–and hence success.

  11. Obviously, I concur with your weapons choices. The most important feature of shotguns is judge and jury appeal. An imbecile judge that might presume that an innocent victim who possessed an evil .50 BMG rifle deserves to have his children shot at will mindlessly presume that a 12 gauge shotgun which is actually seventy-there caliber is just a harmless toy, especially if it is loaded with “harmless buckshot.”. Of course there are some TactiCoolFools on this website who’d swallow that BS hook, line and sinker.

  12. You can’t go wrong with a tactical nuke. Ain’t nothing coming back from that. “Nuke ’em from orbit.”

    Failing that, a Russian Terminator with four 9M120 Ataka missile launchers, two 30 mm 2A42 autocannons, two AG-17D grenade launchers, and one coaxial 7.62 mm PKTM machine gun is your best bet.

    Ask the Ukrainians.

  13. If I’m gonna drop a baddie on camera, I’m cross drawing a wheel gun.
    Need something snappy to say….
    “Get off my plane” …..yeah

  14. Guns v. Doctors: Who KILLS More Americans Yearly? Studies and Statistics Weigh in.

    h ttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxTMlvvRGKI

  15. Left wing election disinformation and false information….

    (Left-wing) ABC station airs graphic saying Harris has won Pennsylvania > h ttps://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2024/oct/30/wnep-abc-station-airs-graphic-saying-kamala-harris/

    “An ABC station in Pennsylvania aired a graphic saying Vice President Kamala Harris had won the state — nine days before voting is done.”

    and stated and showed numbers …. “… 100% of the votes had been counted and Ms. Harris defeated former President Donald Trump by a 52%-47% margin, getting 3,293,712 votes to Mr. Trump’s 2,997,793. …”

    But, the stations claim and numbers were false…the station stated it was a “technical mistake” and “The numbers seen on the screen were randomly generated test results sent out to help news organizations make sure their equipment is working properly in advance of election night,”

    (note: Very oddly though… the same claim and numbers just so happen to match a few posts which are part of the Kamala massive astroturfing campaign running on social media outlets, before the ABC claims appeared. Posts claiming such before the ballots are even counted which isn’t going to happen until after the polls close in Pennsylvania at 8PM on Nov 5th.)

  16. Chinese citizen charged after allegedly voting illegally in key battleground state; vote will be counted > https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/chinese-citizen-charged-after-allegedly-voting-illegally-in-key-battleground-state-vote-will-be-counted/ar-AA1tem8i

    (note: votes in federal elections can’t be not counted. This means if a non-citizen does manage to vote in a federal election, no matter if caught and charged, their vote will still be counted. This is a dream of the left wing Kamala’s and why they are trying to get the illegals registered to vote, and why they oppose removing non-citizens from voter rolls, and why Kamala has an intentionally open and insecure border – to change the voting demographic to manipulate the election in favor of democrats.)

  17. To Protect Children in Schools, We Have to Be Willing to Look at the Data. > https://www.shootingnewsweekly.com/gun-nation/to-protect-children-in-schools-we-have-to-be-willing-to-look-at-the-data/

    “… The number of people with carry permits varies drastically depending on the part of the country you look at. About half of the adults in some up-state Pennsylvania counties have carry permits while some counties in California didn’t issue permits at all. That’s likely changed thanks to recent court rulings such as Bruen. And, of course, then there are otherwise law-abiding people who carry whatever the law may be, with our without a permit.

    That matters in places like California because there are about 700,000 violent crimes there each year. About 28,0000 of those violent crimes are sexual assaults.

    …

    Many states allow armed school staff to protect their students. California, however, has made it illegal for school staff to defend students with guns. Instead, teachers and administrators are supposed to call the police if a killer attacks their campus. The politicians claim that bad things will happen if school staff are allowed to be armed.

    That may sound plausible…if you haven’t studied violence and the statistics around it. It isn’t commonly known, but we’ve already conducted the experiment of what happens when we arm school teachers and staff. We’ve trained thousand upon thousands of them to be first responders. They’ve carried firearms in schools for more than three million school days. In all that time, there hasn’t been a murder or serious injury that resulted from armed staff members.

    Some worry because there could be a problem with armed staff members in schools. Remember that California leads the nation in mass shootings. We have to pick our problems. It’s foolish to put our children at risk for a very real problem in order to protect them from a theoretical problem that hasn’t happened.

    Our students are much like our politicians. They’re much safer if they have armed defenders. The facts are out there. We just have to be willing to see them.”

    (note: see article at link, it has the links to the information referenced in the selected quotes above)

  18. The most scary AND true costume we saw last night …

    A teen made up to look like Kamala complete with a playing recording of Kamala cackling, while holding a big syringe labeled ‘puberty blocker’.

  21. Since we’re talking fantasy here, I want the Star Wars blaster or the Star Trek phaser. If we have to stay real world, I’ll use whatever I have on hand when the villian shows up. Any weapon is better than no weapon.

  24. 40 years ago my son looked at the Ruger medallion in the grip and named it the “Monster Gun”
    Now I don’t know if a SA is a good monster killer or not but I’m going down in style if it isn’t.

  25. My gun never works in my dreams. Squishy trigger that I can’t pull hard enough to get it to go “Bang!”

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