I’ve procreated. I’ve done my bit to perpetuate the species and keep Social Security solvent for another 4.27 seconds. But I don’t recall ever dropping a wooden teething toy in the crib when junior was sprouting choppers. While the kid was quite the bruiser and probably could have handled barbed wire, we always used gum-soothing devices that were a little more mouth-friendly, less porous, and didn’t have the potential to splinter. But that’s just us. Of course, by using plastic stuff as we did, I’m sure we depleted the ozone layer and drowned a few polar bears. At no time, though, did we ever worry about grandma’s shrieking disapproval at seeing the little tyke with the barrel of a gun in his mouth…

But if you’re not concerned with the screams of horror and accusations of shocking irresponsibility, TeethME, an anonymous European Etsy merchant, has a great way to start your kid off right. Imagine your pride – and the wide-eyed disapproval of the other mothers at the play date – when junior grips his little heater and happily gnaws away on the trigger guard.

Sure, TeethME might have benefitted from a copywriter for whom English is a first language, but the results are priceless.

Babies first three months of life learning to handle with own hands and legs. Babies will learn to open and shut their fists and can hold a toy placed in their hands. It’s big fun to reach out, swat at and grasp a favorite toy. And of course favorite toy MUST to finish this path in the mouth. And it’s very important! Because babies LEARN ONLY with TACTICAL SENSES, ESPECIALLY with TONGUE! Tongue receptors give the baby the most usefull and full information about this world! Mouth is a first and a most important way to meet this world! Even first dating with mum starts from sweet taste of milk!

OK, try to overlook the creepiness of that breastfeeding imagery (dating?) and enjoy the unintentionally appropriate malapropism that results from his use of tactical for tactile. So awesome. And at only $12, how can you go wrong? So start your little marksman off on the right foot with one of these must-have items. I only wish I had.

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7 COMMENTS

  1. “sweet taste of milk!”

    LOL

    Also, I don’t think anything made of real wood should be classified as “eco friendly”

    On a sidenote, I’m pretty excited that they have “NORMAL” size, because now I can buy one for myself and make everyone on the bus jealous of my new toy.

    • “Also, I don’t think anything made of real wood should be classified as “eco friendly””…. why not? Wood is a fantastic material that is renewable and when correctly harvested, can actually INCREASE future lumber resources. When the toy (or bowl, or plate, or etc) no longer serves its purpose, it will biodegrade in a landfill in a relatively short amount of time.

      • So… cutting down trees is “eco-friendly?” That was the point I was trying to get across, sorry.

        I’m not saying it’s not biodegradable, but a wooden toy handgun doesn’t exactly sprout another tree in it’s place at a landfill.

        • Yes – cutting down a tree is eco-friendly… assuming environmental best practices is followed and a sustainable lot if maintained (i.e removal rate = natural growth rate + reestablishment rate). No, it isn’t fully automatic (tree’s do naturally spread seeds), but truly sustainable practices have been established and followed in this country for 30+ years already.

          Wood (and bamboo) is a great resource for toys and a lot of other household products. Much better to plant and maintain a tree farm than to worry about VCM and other chlorinated organics in our drinking water and POTW systems!

  2. I just love the Chinglish ad copy. It good making laugh me ha ha.

    Babies shouldn’t be chewing on anything that can’t be sterilized after it lands on the floor. Well, at least trigger control won’t be a problem. Bladder control, heck yeah, but not trigger control.

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