https://youtu.be/ihvCSaA2G0M

“In a profile written by Jason Zwerling on Bleacher Report.com it was revealed that Dwight Howard, who now lives in the Houston area, has some interesting hobbies and interests.” usatoday.com blogger Michal Peters is using the word “interesting” in the way I used it to describe my first wife’s less-than-entirely-stunning party dress. To wit: “Like riding around on three-wheeled motorcycles with his friends, or shooting any one of his over 50 guns at the gun range.” His italics, obvs. As the blogger blogs Howard’s ballistic baubles, it gets better/worse . . .

“Then there are Howard’s more exuberant activities, like riding around his neighborhood with his friends in his Can-Am Spyder three-wheeled bikes. He also likes going to the gun range—”It’s what you do in Texas,” he says—and he has about 10 different kinds in his collection encompassing more than 50 total, including shotguns, semiautomatics and handguns, such as one of his favorites, a gold-looking Desert Eagle pistol. He also collects, just for show, miniguns and bazookas.”

HE HAS A BAZOOKA.

And that isn’t even the most ridiculous part. Howard’s got 20 pet snakes.

“But there’s no better way to describe Howard’s eccentricity and connection to Texas than through his pet snakes at home. All 20 of them.”

A small armory and almost enough snakes to make a considerably sized snake pit. All Howard needs now is a large reservoir of clean water, and when the apocalypse eventually jumps off, he can be the supreme overlord of something.

Which reminds me, Fury Road! Love that double barrel coach gun. Alternatively, snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

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31 COMMENTS

  2. I’m pretty sure if I had a pit of snakes and a bazooka at my house, I know what my first target would be.

    “I got that snake pit cleared out, dear!”

  3. Why? What’s wrong with snakes? Got a phobia Robert?

    Whilst senor Peters freaks about the bazooka, I find that comforting. I know where I’ll be headed during the apocalypse, to make a new friend 😀

    • +1

      Snakes are fascinating animals. I’m partial to corn snakes. I’d have a few, but my big cat — who is otherwise sweetness personified — would find a way to kill them. He’s bad like that.

    • Snakes seem kind of boring to me. I prefer a pet that does more than sleep on a hot rock in an glass box and eat a rat once a month. They’re beautiful creatures, but I don’t see the appeal as pets.

      • They actually eat once a week, but you can handle them and carry them around the house. Feeding them is usually an interesting experience most days.

  5. I like how shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, the media is every time a rich person who isnt a fat, old, white, redneck who used to play in a fairly popular rock band has a gun collection. It reaffirms my belief that if more people just went out and shot guns, they would realize how much fun collecting and shooting different kinds of firearms really is…

  6. Never give an interview to any blogger who’s first name is “Jason”. In fact, don’t give interviews to bloggers you don’t know or know about. This guy was looking for someone to turn into a clown. Howard’s mistake was thinking that ‘ole Jason really wanted to understand why he did what he did.

  7. Though I am a little jealous of Dwight Howard’s gun collection, I can’t say the same about his pets. I grew up with a copperhead den in the woods right near my house and I lost count of how many times I accidentally stepped on one (they have very effective camouflage and blend right in with leaf litter) and then did my best impression of an Olympic sprinter. I don’t mind them in cages or whatever but I still look out for them in the wilderness.

  8. Note to media: 50+ guns and a bazooka. That’s an arsenal worthy of the name.

    I don’t know who Dwight Howard is, but I’m going to guess he’s a sports guy. The gold Desert Eagle is pretty much only bought by rich athletes and rappers, and since “Dwight” is the kind of name that would be changed pretty quickly to Dwizzle Puff or some other stupid shit if he were a rapper, that just leaves the one option…

  9. I used to have an empty LAW tube. In-laws had a yard sale, so I threw that in along with a belt of used 7.62 NATO blanks for an M60 and some other militaria I had collected over the years. It was fun to see people flip when they saw that stuff. Kind of like the pearl-clutching of this blogger.

  10. It’s nice to know that Howard, an obnoxious jackalope, has a single, quasi-redeeming feature.

  11. Why do the antis always flip out about rocket launchers? You can buy DEMILLED AT-4s and RPG-7s online and have them shipped to your door with out a backround check. Without certain bits, they are literally just tubes with handles on them.

    • Or better yet, you can actually buy grenade launchers that actually function. Granted, finding actual grenades for them is neigh impossible as each grenade has to be registered as a DD have it’s own stamp, but still.

      I want to get one just because I can.

  12. I wonder if there is a Moms Demand Action snake control group. I can see it now. A slippery car salesman kind of guy/gal get’s up to the podium and lectures, “We have the right to be free from the fear of snakes. (cheers) It is for the children. (cheers) Nobody needs a snake with two fangs. (cheers) Until we rid this world of snakes, blah, blah, blah, blah.” Honestly, I hate snakes. It is an irrational hate, I know, for if snakes are in the hands of rational, good people, I have nothing to worry about. But I will say that being a moral, otherwise rational person, I will never oppose snake ownership just because I hate them. I guess that makes me a better person than Moms Demand Action.

    • Oddly enough this is actually like, 95% accurate. People who own snakes actually have to fight for their right to have them more often than the POTG.

  13. Is the bazooka shootable, or just an empty launcher tube?

    Also, is it a real bazooka, or some other rocket launcher? (I mean, like not all photocopiers are Xerox machines, not all soda pops are Cokes, etc.)

    Realizing, of course, that “bazooka” is now the acceptably-sloppy term for “portable rocket launcher,” the same way the “clip” and “magazine” both … OW! Who threw that?

    • I’m going to guess that it’s just an inert tube, like some others have mentioned. Although it’s technically legal to acquire a fully functional RPG, AT-4 etc, the ATF requirements are very complicated and difficult. Among many other things, you need a fully certified/inspected explosives storage magazine and a separate DD registration for each explosive. I know a couple guys who have real deal registered 40mm M203’s, but they don’t bother with anything beyond chalk practice rounds because of the massive expense and paperwork acquiring HE rounds would involve. That and no mfgr sells them to individual civilians. It’s possible for a man of Howard’s means I suppose, but given the way the media hypes/misunderstands everything weapons related, it’s probably just an empty tube.

  14. Some people are “very uncomfortable” with black men with guns and now a bazooka. But this a great example of the 2nd amendment. “To keep and bear arms”. Not keep and bear a shotgun only.

    A hundred years ago you could buy artillery cannons from national magazines by mail order including the ammunition.

    I am a 2nd amendment absolutist. A citizen can own any weapon the military can own. They just have to pay for it. Or they could make it in their own shop/home. With a 3D printer the sky’s the limit.

  17. I just had an idea for a bazooka that launches snakes. It would have to be low velocity to avoid harming the snake, but I think it could be done in a barrel of the right diameter and length.

  18. When I glanced at the title I thought I’d read “is that a bazooka in your pocket or are you just happy”.. LoL. I CAN breathe…

  19. I never understood the astonishment some people feel over a given number of guns owned by one person. Never have I ever met a person with greater than 2 hands.

    • But it’s the guns themselves that are the evil things. They get up on their own and cause gun violence and terrorize mothers and children, don’t you know?

  20. The mention of bazookas and snakes reminds me of a weapon design of mine involving 3lbs of spiders and a t-shirt cannon.

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