Keithe Weins (left) courtesy pentictonwesternnews.com

No matter what. Even if you’re tired. Or have a tee time in the morning. As it turns out, Keith Wiens, a retired Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman, is a sexual welcher. And as a result, he’s now defending himself in a Canadian court against a second-degree murder charge for shooting his wife, Lynn Kalmring, in the head. As he testified this week, on the day of the shooting back in 2011, “they drank alcohol, ate dinner, then played Nintendo Wii video games. He said the two often made bets of a sexual nature on the games. He lost the bet that night, and when he went to bed around 10:40 p.m., found sex toys on his pillow . . .

…but moved them aside because he wanted to rest up for a golf game the next day. He said Kalmring became upset when she saw that he was not in the mood to settle the bet.

So by losing to the Mrs at Mario Kart, Weins wrote a check his libido couldn’t cash. And when his wife realized he had no intention of doing the dance with no pants, things got, well, heated. After all, a bet’s a bet and she just wouldn’t let the matter drop. He’d promised her satisfaction and she wanted it. So to speak.

He eventually told her to pack her things and go live with her kids. At that, “I would say that she snapped,” Wiens said, and after a final expletive-filled tirade, she left again. Wiens said he then armed himself with the handgun he kept in his beside table because he feared for his life.

“She was not Lynn. She was crazy and she’d just assaulted me when I was sound asleep, and I was worried about what was coming next.”

Soon, he said, she re-entered the bedroom with a knife and rushed at him.

“I backed up … and I lifted up my gun and I shot her,” Wiens said, his voice rising in pitch and growing quieter.

The local ME, though, is skeptical of the story.

…a forensic pathologist testified he believed the knife found in Kalmring’s hand by police was placed there after her death, because she would have dropped it if she’d been holding it when she was shot.

Again, no one’s ever happy when a promise is broken. And now a woman is dead, all because her Mountie wouldn’t mount her.

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40 COMMENTS

  1. Nice word play at the end there, Dan. Enjoyed the whole story. How stupid must one be to think a knife would stay in someone’s hand after getting shot? That dog won’t hunt.

    • Actually, it happens frequently and there’s a name for it: cadaveric spasm. Ordinarily associated with a sudden violent death. Not necessarily an issue in this case but it can and does happen.

    • So you’re saying it’s impossible, always, forever, for someone to keep hold of an object when they die?

      • Not necessarily Steve, as in never, ever, ever, ever, (shall I go on and add other superlatives for time?).

        No. I’m no expert, nor have I ever actually seen anyone shot. (have you?). But I would think that getting shot would tend hurt, tend to make you not clench onto something. But Ken (poster above you) seems to have good knowledge of the subject, so clearly I might be wrong. But the ME seems to have agreed with me. At least I got that going for me. Have a good one.

        • Yep, seen it. 32 years LE. Mostly when deceased is shot or otherwise extremely traumatized to the head causing instant death. I’ve had to pry fingers off the steering wheel after a catastrophic vehicle crash. They don’t call it a death grip for nuthin’. Like I said, not necessarily an issue in this case.

        • “noe have I ever actually seen anyone shot. (have you?)”

          I’m a Paramedic, I’ve seen my fair share of people shot, and more than my fair share of dead bodies, so yes, I have a little bit of wiggle room with what I’ve witnessed, and yes, people do still hold on to stuff when they die, either non-traumatic or traumatic in nature. You’ll usually see it in things like car accidents or massive head trauma, but it’s not really rare in the realm of ”natural death” either.

    • Depends where to shot went in the head. Shots to the frontal lobe can cause a spasm but a hit in the brain stem usually doesn’t result in the spasm.

  3. Kind goes hand in hand with the Anna Benson story RF posted up the other day.

      • If you want to keep your weapon in it’s holster, know when (and with who) to unholster your gun.

  4. With as many men that complain about not getting any when married, who would believe that he killed his wife because he didn’t want it? Especially because he was anticipating golf more? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    • And that’s the part where I started questioning the story. Afraid he’d be too tired for golf the next day? Really?

  5. The lesson here is not “make good on your bets” but “don’t shoot your wife.” Unless she really is coming at you with a knife. In which case you won’t have to plant one. (Innocent until proven guilty, of course.)

  6. Clearly this story can’t be true because 1) they’re in Canada, and gun control has made it a violence-free paradise and 2) he’s a cop, and therefore an incorruptible paragon of good sense who is highly trained and would never be unsafe or irresponsible with a weapon.

  9. Sometimes everybody needs to know when to drop matters. Had the matter been dropped, this would never have happened.

  10. this story is good, but its made up. Everyone knows that there are no handguns in Canada, nor any murder. The prohibitionists say so.

  14. Has anyone identified the gun? Or, more importantly, the toys? Oh, and Eric “D1ck” Holder wants to know if George Zimmerman has an alibi for the night in question.

    • That’s exactly what I thought. I’m pretty sure I’d be too tired that night too. If his story is true, I’m guessing she’s a vindictive person who wanted some payback… if you know what I mean…

  19. His wife was almost certainly correct in pointing out his lost desire: If he’d lost the bet to an RF Model of the Month, would he really save his energy for a damned game of golf? And since when did that take energy? The retired cop is definitely going down. Should have done that voluntarily, come to think of it. Energy indeed.

  20. I’m inclined to believe the gentleman’s story, only because, if you were going to fabricate a tale to explain the dead body on your bedroom floor, wouldn’t you at least try to make it believable? I mean, “I didn’t want to bang my wife because I had an early tee time, so I shot her” wouldn’t exactly be my go-to lie.

  22. I think the takeaway on this for us all is that golf is a dangerous sport.

    Were it not for his dedication to this perverse and evil pastime, his wife would still be alive. And satisfied.

    • True. I never got into golf. I only have one put to sink. One hole in one to make. One long drive to make. Feel free to jump in and stop me before I make any more bad puns. Nudge, nudge, wink , wink, say no more.

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