OK, your long gun personality. This was posted at the Spikes Tactical book of faces page (h/t DrVino). Here are the blurbs in a more readable type size:

AR-15

Almost invariably a manchild with delusions of imitating tier 1 SF, thousands of dollars of gear that will die to a $0.30 bullet

FN FAL

A relic who’s still living in the 80s bush wars, often in short shorts and obsessed with painting a rifle in turquoise and babyshit yellow.

AK-47

An unwashed gremlin who looks up to slavic troglodytes. The most likely to kill you for a can of beans or your shoes.

Remington 700

An intellectually challenged hick who equates war with deer hunting. Sadly one of the most likely to actually be able to use his weapon properly.

M14/M1A

Either a vet who thinks 5.56 is a passing fad or a bench queen who has never had to walk more than 20 meters with this rifle.

Mossberg 500

A juvenile living out zombie fantasies, eager to tell everyone about their doomsday prepping as seen on TV.

Marlin 30-30

Cowboy reject that can’t identify anything on a map beyond his county. Every southern stereotype come to life.

FN P90

The worst kind of try-hard, ready to whine for days about the superiority of the round, yet a poor marksman due to the sheer cost of feeding the weapon.

H&K G36

Airshitting babies who spend their parents’ money on a plastic monstrosity. All of their flecktarn is made in China.

IWI Tavor

A miserly cretin who believes everything on TV and can probably be found defending a certain country online.

FN SCAR-H

Covered head to toe in MOLLE and an admin pouch with Mom’s cell number to pick him up from another D&D game.

Barrett M82

99% of people with this rifle are willing to max out 3 credit cards to destroy old appliances in the desert; the other 1% are gay.

Beretta CX4 Storm

Only used by those who served aboard the Battlestar Galactica, and people who couldn’t afford a real MP5.

Steyr AUG

Favored by convict monkeys and those who build sex dungeons under their house, still likely to actually know how to shoot.

IMI Uzi

Now that the age of Soldiers of Fortune is dead, this is only used by ghetto trash and those who aspire to be ghetto trash.

Ruger 10/22

Inevitably there will be one asshole who thinks their .22 in a tactical stock is a valid weapon. The first to die.

PSL

An autist dressed in a gorka mountain suit quaffing vodka to stem the tears of not having a real Dragunov.

AI AWM

If accompanied by a databook and Kestrel, this is a dangerous customer. Most are only a shift rifle dropped into an AICS.

H&K G11

An astronaut capable of employing kraut space magic, understands more than you could possibly know.

Mosin Nagant

Expert operator possessed by the souls of dead soldiers, a living conduit to the Murdercube’s will. Neither living nor dead.

RELATED ARTICLESMORE FROM AUTHOR

100 COMMENTS

  2. Mosin, that’s how I roll.

    Or Mauer actually, since that is the cheap gun here in Norway. When I finish my education and get a good job I will most likely move on to a Tigr if I can import it (can but requires some moolah).

    • Americans can’t import TIGRs 🙁
      Around 1996 when Bill Clinton was busy with Monika Lewinsky, it got him soo aroused he decided to screw America and he got Russia to agree to a voluntary agreement not to export cool guns to America, so the TIGR got the axe. All Norinco firearms got banned after they tried to run guns to gang bangers, so now we don’t have any SVDs coming in.

      • It sucks.

        But can’t you get parts kit then make new receivers?

        If it makes you feel better we have shitty shotgun laws in Norway: You can only buy a shotgun for hunting and hunting shotguns can’t have a bigger mag than 5 shells (not specified which length, so a 5 shot 3.5 inch shell magazine goes), detachable mags or be pistol grip only (PGO). Also lead ammo for shotguns is banned, not for waterfowl but for everything. Only some clubs have exception to the no lead rule, usually due to old shotguns that can’t take steel shot.

  3. I would be the Mosin-Nagant, because sex dungeons scare me a much as Remington’s recent QC debacles.

  8. .30-40 Krag. I bought it for $110 at a gun show when I was totally broke in 1989, thinking I’d someday get myself a “real” hunting rifle, and have never traded up because this one shoot so straight and true, and fits me so well. Finding ammo is difficult and expensive, but so be it.

  10. Correct the Mosin Nagant one for you….

    “18 year old who talks about prepping and zombie apocalypse as if it was their day job, doesn’t actually shoot at targets when they go to the range, just ooohs and ahhhs about the gigantic fireball their gun makes when it goes boom and wonders why everyone else at the range has left. Thinks that every argument abotu firearms can be won with ‘well 7.62x54r is cheaper than your ______________ so yeah’ “

  11. Fal, I’m the fal.

    I know too many people that are the tacticool 10/22. Usually when they tell me about it they say something along the lines of “.22 is all I need! But when SHTF can i come to your house?”

  12. A couple are almost slightly funny and a couple more are a little positive, albeit in a backhanded compliment kind of way. Mostly this just slams everyone as a douche of one kind or another. Even in full self-deprecating mode, it’s still mostly just mean. I prefer the funny infographics depicting the kinds of shooters at the gun range.

  13. My [long] gun personality is not covered. Mauser, original or in its more modern incarnation in the Winchester Model 70. I like my firearms to be of sound military heritage.

    • I was disappointed, as like you, my long gun is a Winchester 70. Let’s see….

      Winchester Model 70:
      You believe that three-position safety is the equivalent of the holy trinity and that push-feed is blasphemy. Your rifle has two names, one for use in public and one you use when it’s sleeping in the bed next to you. Brown liquor flows freely in your house, and you lament the exchange of American exceptionalism for iPhoneism to at least three people daily. And all the meat in your house is self-harvested.

  15. Cheap Chinese pardner pump that goes boom. More of a handgun guy. I don’t hunt or have anywhere nearby to shoot. Also live in Cook County,Illinois which is f###ed up. BREAKING NEWS…Hammond,Indiana cops have press conference saying how great they are by catching a serial killer who confessed. A mite touchy after the viral video of them tasering & brutalising a black man for a seat belt…

  19. I love the one for the AI AWM… I would hazard that 90% of “AI” rifles you see are really a duracoated Remington 700 SPS in an AICS chassis.

      • That is very… very, wrong. AWM rifles are similar to a Remington 700 in only the fact that they are bolt operated and shoot bullets out the front. The Bolt construction and lockup interface with the barrel is completely different not even close to similar, the fire control group is very different, the action construction/shape is not even remotely similar other than being made out of metal. Yeah no, not even close to similar.

        • Meh… The same could be said of a Remington 700 with a drop in trigger pack. The bolt interface makes no practical difference once it has been blueprinted.

        • pwerserge, you messed up.

          You just said that a Remington 700 is better than a AI AWM. Just admit you messed up and don’t dig yourself deeper in this hole. Trust me, I was in this situation many years ago. It will be easier if you just admit and move on.

        • Lolinski… I didn’t say “better” I said the same. A modified 700 action dropped into the AICS is 99% the same gun. The actual rifle is a highly modified / accurised Remington long action with a modified trigger pack. There are only so many ways you can build a bolt action rifle. The same way a M1 and a M14 are basically the same rifle. (Or close enough to not make a huge difference.)

        • You should have listened to lolinski an put the shovel down when it just looked like you made an honest mistake. The fundamental construction of the rifles is different. You have a cylindrical tube action vs a monolithic billet of machined steel (AI actions are square). You would be closer comparing it to a Surgeon or Defiance action. Then you have the bolts, 6 lug 60 degree throw vs a 2 lug. The tolerances are tighter. The threads on the barrel go deeper into the action providing more support than the Remington. The recoil lug is integrated and precision matched to the chassis. The bottom of the action is flat and precision machined to match up to the chassis. Again no comparison to the Remington, even a printed one. Honestly you would have a better time comparing it to an FN/Win 70, there are a whole lot more similarities (monolithic action, integrated recoil lug, flat bottom, 1 piece bolt+handle, and safety/firing pin block mounted to bolt). Go here http://www.ar15.com/archive/topic.html?b=6&f=5&t=228613 if you want to see what Im talking about (its maybe 3rd or 4th post down you see pictures of disassembled AWS.

          Then we get to price and retained value. No contest. Like I said in the SHWAT “Grandpa’s rifle” thread, you drop 3k-5k on a printed custom built Rem 700 and you have a Remington that you spent 3-5k on and is maybe worth half that if you sell it down the road. You buy an AI, or a Surgeon/ Defiance and you get a completely different rifle and it will hold its value way better. Again they arent even close.

          So again, you are FLAT WRONG, and since you said and I quote “…It’s still a Remington 700 long action.” thats what Im addressing. Now you have walked your point back a little bit and are now arguing that 99% of them are basically the same thing. If by that you mean what average people are capable of then you are maybe right. I still bet an average shooter can shoot more consistently with a greater variety of ammo and conditions with a rifle like an AI than they could with a Printed Remington even if they aren’t reaching the full potential of either rifle. Although you said just a drop in trigger, but I figured at least give the Remington a fighting chance so we’ll let it be a printed and “built” Remington for the sake of it not being a complete loss.

        • I apologize, in my previous post I gave you credit for walking your ignorant claim back a little bit… I misread, you are still at it with “The actual rifle is a highly modified / accurised Remington long action with a modified trigger pack.”

          That is so wrong its almost funny, again read my post above go to the thread I listed above and LOOK at the pictures, or heck google it, the only feature the AI has in common with a Remington 700 is a bolt, firing pin, and it shoots bullet but even those common parts are completely different. Your argument is akin to saying a Ferrari 458 is the same as a Roush/ Shelby built Ford Mustang because both have 2 doors, a trunk spoiler and 4 tires and are fast. The actions aren’t the same shape, you are talking a piece of tubing cut and turned down to the correct length with threads and raceways cut into it vs a monolithic block of steel machined into a rifle action. Are you confusing the AWS with the US Military M40/M24/XM2010? Those are in fact “Accurized” Remington 700’s, but the AI AWS has NOTHING in common with either of those though.

        • Thanks for the link Tex… You’re right. I was thinking of the M24E1.

          I’ll still state that, in my opinion, a top shelf accurized (or purpose built) bolt gun is more or less the same animal. There might be differences in construction, but the end result is almost impossible to distinguish in practice unless you get Carlos Hathcock behind it.

  20. Am I the only one that thinks something like this looks like it would come from MDA? It ridicules nearly every choice. It’s seriously only one more long gun away from having “this [insert rifle] is best for those trying to compensate for a groin size deficiency” that normally appears in the other side’s attacks on gun owners.

    • I agree.

      Also, I love when people whine about 5.7 ammo prices. One box of 50 rounds is cheaper than 2 boxes of WWB 7.62.x39. I know, because my range won’t let us shoot the cheap steel cased stuff.

  22. I figured a .30-30 lever is classic and school. Sure, there’s the noob AR-15 with laser designators, but all of these gun can be cool. Except for 10/22’s in super tactical form. Those are lame.

    • When .22lr could be found without sacrificing offspring to the gun gods there was something useful about having a 10/22 tacticooled out…. Noobs would rather shoot it than your AR. It’s a good way to get the video game generation into shooting. I still have an ATI “dragunov” 10/22 kit collecting dust in a corner somewhere but all of my 10/22s have adult clothes on now.

  23. Reinforces every negative stereotype the antis throw out there, and I didn’t even get a lol out of it. The Storm one was a quiet chuckle at best.

  24. I’m boned. Marlin .30-30, Mossberg 500 x 3, Mosin Nagant. I also have a sigma and Makarov handgun. I wonder what that says about me?

      • I guess it all depends on how you define cool. For less than 300 bucks my Sigma goes bang each and every time. Honestly, I’m pretty indifferent to the Sigma. I may have, along with my son, gotten the only ones that work properly but I can’t see the difference between the Sigma and any of the glocks I’ve used. I’m pretty indifferent to Gastons creation as well.

  25. IWI Tavor, “seen online defending a certain country”? What is this? It sounds like antisemitic drivel! I’ll defend Israel over and over because they are the only free, Western democracy in the middle east quagmire.

    • *cough* After y’all toppled the democratically elected government in another certain country*cough*

      Sorry, my cough is a bit bad. Strong allergy to bulls*** and stupidity.

    • Ummm…pretty sure the owner & some writers are of the Jewish persuasion on TTAG. Yeah a clumsy “onionesque” attempt at humor. I do agree about Israel being the only mideast country worth a damn…relax moveable.

    • And how much of that has the US sending that certain country more foreign aid (in arms packages) than any other country, especially when promising ones like Kurdistan get no support?

  27. The comments were mean until you got to the bottom right, and then it all made sense.

    No anti-gunners, just Mosin lovers…

  29. 24 pounder long-gun. Preferably mounted on a pivot as a “Long Tom” on the deck of an 1812 privateer top-sail schooner.

  30. This would feel right at home on some “joke” news source like The Onion. I don’t own a single one of these weapons so it’s not personally offensive, and I do recognize the intention to be tongue-in-cheek. That said, I still didn’t crack a smile because it simply isn’t funny or clever, just like the stuff on The Onion, and when you try to mock something without being funny or clever, you just end up looking like a cranky bully.

  32. i’d love to meet the person that actually HAS a G11. this is a stupendously preposterous outline.

    • The G11’s caption probably should have been more along the lines of:

      People owning this gun are myths, like Bigfoot or Nessie, only less likely to be photographed.

  34. Apparently I have multiple personalities, and even some long personalities not listed on than chart. Fun Fun!

    • Again with this crap… I challenge you to locate something “antisemitic” on that chart. Please keep in mind the definition of “antisemitic” =/= “anything which references Israel, even in a neutral manner.”

    • Chill, Shylock. If you can’t laugh at yourself then what can you laugh at? It is an equal opportunity joke, even the Teutophiles have not been spared.

      This is America, we make fun of people. Crudely.

  38. Mean-spirited for sure, but I got a big laugh out of some of these. Course it helps that the Mosin is the only one in my collection. I doubt that this is anti-gunner stuff, the stereotypes are a little too descriptive and on the nose for people who barely leave the suburbs.

  39. Guilty on the on Remington 700 (although mine’s a coyote gun in .25-06), Marlin .30-30, and Mossie 500. Let’s analyze my Garand – “A real rifle for those who honor the men who saved Western civilization – and don’t want debris littering their front lawn.” Henry Big Boy – “Traditionalists who appreciate fine craftsmanship and understand that old age and treachery overcomes youth and skill every time.”

  42. I met a FAL guy once who was totally like that, even said he had “relatives” who fought in the Selous Scouts. The Mosin one is really hilarious, reminds me of /k/ on 4chan back in the day.

  43. Come on, you mention Battlestar Galactica with the Storm but no mention of the Stargate series for the P90?

  44. Hilarious. Can’t help but feel I don’t belong in thre anywhere, though. Probably because I am currently rifleless. 🙁

  46. Yup. If I actually had an M82 that would totally be me.
    I’ve got an AR, a Mosin (hail murdercube), and a Savage Axis (basically a knock off 700)

  48. I’m a SOCOM 16CQB, so I guess I’m safe for now. Not as heavy as an M1A. Still delivers solidly!

  49. I guess I am a Steyr AUG. Which is great, because it can’t be a sex dungeon without the sex…..

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