Remember WWJD (What Would Jesus Drive)? While I’m an anthropogenic climate change denier (which I’ll say three times fast if you like), I thought the anti-SUV campaign was funny. Equally, I mean for this question to be respectful and light-hearted. And I’m going to resist the urge to add on a question about what Allah would pack because I need a fatwa on my head like Xenia Tchoumitcheva needs another vowel. So how about it? What would Jesus carry and/or shoot? A three-barreled shotgun?

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82 COMMENTS

  4. Jesus would carry a .22lr. Maybe a Walnut stocked half-octagonal barreled single-shot Stephens 30G. Yes, it is a single-shot. He would never have to reload, well, just because. The man turned water into wine. He doesn’t need a gun to debilitate people. This would strictly be a fun plinking gun.

    The 30G is a light, well-balanced dream to shoot.

  5. I’m going to go with “nothing”. Jesus never carried a weapon, as far as I remember. He knew He could call down 10,000 angels in His defense if need be, but never did, because He knew He had a particular role to play.

    One time he used a whip – but not as a weapon. It was more of a disciplinary tool (sort of like a switch), to clear out the money-lenders from the temple.

    • “He knew He could call down 10,000 angels in His defense if need be”

      Sounds like he didn’t need to carry because he had AC130 Air Support.

    • I believe Jesus is a ”sword-guy” (Matthew 10:34, Revelation 19:15) , though he has blessed our store with a wide range of other options. 🙂

    • A sharp 2-edged sword from His mouth, but seriously Jesus doesn’t need anything but His Word to put an beginning or ending to anything He wants. In Revelation, the Army of the Saints (resurrected believers) doesn’t actually fight anybody. The true weapon of the Prince of Peace is unconditional LOVE, but that doesn’t make for much humorous TTAG fodder.

    • Yeah, army of angels sounds about right. Supernatural warriors that would decimate anything in their path. It might look something like the undead army from Lord of the Rings.

  7. My jesus would carry a thompson with A team never empty stick mags.
    And a vest of Antioc holy hand grenades .
    All while chomping on a stoggie!

  9. At the risk of going to far, I’d like to point a couple of troubles with that question:

    1) while he didn’t appear to carry, or at least he is never referenced as carrying, at his highest risk point in life, he was surrounded by those who were armed (but we’re not qualified or trained as warriors). Much like our politicians and celebrities today, he could have called for armament or disarmament, and it wouldn’t have mattered – he was protected.

    2) he lived so that he could fulfill god’s plan for us. He had no delusions about what that would require and even at his most troubled knew what the end game had to be. I love my kids and would put my life on the line for them, but I’m not ready to die.

  10. Can’t say what Jesus ‘would shoot’. But I highly doubt he’d shoot a Chiappa… Chiappa come standard with a ‘mark of the beast’ RFID chip in them. :p

  11. He probably wouldn’t carry, just armor. But as others have said, his entourage would likely be armed. Being Jews, likely an Uzi under the robe, and probably a few Berettas liberated from the Romans.

  12. I knew a Jesus in South Baja that carried an old beat up 4″ S&W 22 mag of some sort. I only saw it when he was drunk and angry so I never got a good look at it.

  14. Stainless, .357 revolver.

    Something American made, with a long barrel, so he can wack people in the head with it.

  17. “He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one”

    No garment means small and easily conceivable…

    Subcompact single stack 9mm, or .380.
    It’s in the scripture.

  19. An iron rod!
    Reworked by his engineering and prototype staff, to fire a 12 ga. shotgun shell (3 1/2″)! Ouch!

  20. At the expense of coming off like a killjoy is this subject material really appropriate or worthy of this site?

    • “At the expense of coming off like a killjoy is this subject material really appropriate or worthy of this site?”

      I think ‘He’ would approve…

      On the other hand, lighten up, Francis.

  22. What would Jesus shoot? I think he’s start with kapo bloomberg and move on from there.

    Jesus is coming. And he’s pissed.

  28. “I mean for this question to be respectful and light-hearted.”

    Good luck with that. TTAG and religion seldom combine in respectful and light-hearted ways…

  29. Eyes as flames of flame of fire-feet like burning brass. The creator of the universe(by him all things consist-hold together) needs nothing but his word to destroy evil. And he will. (Well maybe the brightness of his appearance). Even so COME LORD JESUS(sorry for the buzzkill heathen…not in a joking mood).

  30. Wait, do you suppose his conviction for blasphemy would disqualify him on a 4473? Is Jesus the type of guy to skirt background checks by going through a private sale?

    • ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
      As opposed to a real dumbass. Thanks to the adhominem ban I won’t call any names.

  40. I’m thinking something on a single point sling to go under his robe. FN P90, Robinson Armament Micro XCR, Knight’s Armament SR635 or other form of PDW.

  41. Awww, is no one gonna reference Black Lagoon? They had this exact question where one of the protagonists, Revy, says he’s carry a Jericho 941 while her frienemy, Eda, claims it would be a Glock.

  45. This debate somehow reminds me of that old 90’s Zima commercial (remember that beverage?) where the two pool players are trying to chose between Mary Ann, Ginger, and Jeannie. Frankly Robert, I think a variation of that theme would make a more interesting discussion, and be just about as useful (sarc). So which TV character would you want to be stranded with with, and what would she (he?) carry?

  49. *sigh*

    Everyone knows that “Blessed is the Peacemaker.”

    Jesus would carry a Colt Single Action Army. Duh. 🙂

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