observer.com writer Shalom Auslander has a “solution” to the “problem” of “handgun proliferation.” In a column designed to titillate gun grabbers and antagonize gun rights advocates Auslander asserts that, well, here’s his take on a popular pro-gun slogan: “Guns don’t kill people; I have a small dick.” Although Mr. Auslander neglects to mention the size of his own penis or his own obsession with pornography, his analysis of male gun owners’ reproductive anatomy is carefully calculated to enrage Americans exercising their Constitutionally-protected right to keep and bear arms. The author of Foreskin’s Lament presents an encounter with a driver he calls a “Cockasaurus” and offers a Swifitan proposal to “fix” the satirical (one assumes) issue of gun love and penis size . . .

So here’s my idea: if we can’t federally mandate new gun laws, I say we pass a federal law that all American males over 18, without prejudice or exception, be required to shave the base of their cocks. Shaving the base of one’s cock is a time-honored, porno-tested method of making one’s penis appear larger than it really is. Will this rid the country of guns? No. And it shouldn’t. But I am convinced it will rid gun-owners of the need for ever bigger, more powerful “weapons,” and their insistence on shoving those compensatory bigger guns down our gagging, metaphoric throats.

You might say “in his dreams” but I couldn’t possibly comment. Except to say that not all Jews are Holocaust deniers (of one sort or another) and/or filled with self-loathing. Also, I expect TTAG’s Armed Intelligentsia will respond to this troll with dignity and respect. At least in theory.

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81 COMMENTS

  1. This article stands as compelling evidence that hoplophobia should be added without delay to the next edition of the DSM.

  2. Shalom Auslander? Seriously? “Peace Alien”? Why doesn’t he just change his name to Valentine Michael Smith and be done with it?

  3. I laughed harder and harder as I read the article.

    I’m usually pretty amused by people who have to whip out crudity and sexual metaphor and wave it around because, in short, they have no real argument and can’t actually shave the self created Gordian knot, let alone anything else.
    (Irony fully intentional)

    Seriously though, don’t give that guy the click-through, it’s a few minutes of your life you’ll never get back.

    • That’s some downright disturbed writing in that essay. This guy has some real internal sexual issues. Don’t project your psychoses onto us gun folks, Shalom. I got nothing that messed up swirling around inside of me.

  5. Only a man with a small brain would spend time ruminating and writing about small johnsons. But I will accept Shalom’s advice, kinda. I’ll shave my a$$ so he can kiss it.

    See, I can be nice when I really put my mind to it.

  6. Hey Auslander! How about instead requiring people who express a desire to impose their own ludicrous conditions on others be required to shave their eyebrows as a warning to others to pay no attention to them?

  7. I wonder if he conducted a personal, hands on research. Why are all these foreigners contributing this, uh, uninvited stupidity to OUR national issues? If your from a different country and don’t like these scarey guns we love, just go elsewhere. And, since we are talking pejoratively, I think grabbers are afraid of guns because they tend to be of the similar sick mind that carries out mass shootings. In other words ” I cannot trust myself to keep my cool with a firearm, so I can’t trust you”. One of the things the grabbers and the mass shooters have in common is that they are both control freaks. To me comments quoted in the article underline the probability that the gun grab is UN mandated. Don’t forget the 27th of this month.

    • Because they all wish they were Americans with our rights and freedons. Gun grabbing is just a metaphor for their addiction to onanism.

  9. Dr. Oz stated that for every 30 lbs of weight lost, a man’s penis will increase in length by 1 inch!! That’s it!! Gun proliferation solved.

  10. From ‘Gun Control, A Realistic Assessment’ Don Kates, JR

    ‘A final point of interest is Dr. Tanay’s citation of Freud’s view that weapons may symbolize the penis in dreams. This, Freud says, is true of dreams involving any long object (e.g. “sticks, umbrellas, poles, trees”) but especially of objects that may be viewed as penetrating, and injuring (“knives, daggers, lances, sabers; firearms are similarly used….”). This passage refers to dreams in general without distinguishing gun owners from others. Dr. Tanay is perhaps unaware of — in any event he does not cite — other passages more relevant to his argument. In these other passages Freud associates retarded sexual/emotional development not with gun ownership, but with fear and loathing of weapons. [49] The probative importance that ought to attach to the views of Freud is, of course, a matter of opinion. The point here is only that those views provide no support for the penis theory of gun ownership. ‘

  12. So, wanting larger and more powerful firearms = little d!ck? Huh.

    In somewhat related news, I bought a 10/22 the other day…

  13. Auslander is a sexist, misogynist pig!! What is his solution for the millions of women who are buying guns to protect themselves? What idiotic Psych 101 theory does he have for that behavior by women?

    Or is he a non-equal opportunity idiot?

    • Women suffer from penis envy, says Fraud, uh I mean Freud. So they compensate for not having one by going out and buying one so they can feel powerful too.

  14. Jeez, I already shave the whole thing, and I’m still always looking for guns to add to the collection. I am, therefore, living proof that Mr. Asshat’s big idea won’t work.

  16. Providing this nobody with additional free publicity is neither entertaining or productive. His word might ‘titillate gun grabbers’ or it might embarrass them when they think about the masses reaction. BTW, if he doesn’t advocate female gun-owners go through a similar physical genital experience then he is a sexist and a self-hating male (not surprising in this era of feminist propaganda male-bashing). If he does so advocate for female gun owners that would make him a supporter of female genital mutilation (fgm).

  17. LOL, coming from a guy that looks and talks like that (and is overly obsessed with the size of my johnson), he’s either a ghey moron attention whore, or is seriously compensating for a lack of something himself. My bet is that it is he/himself that uses a sewing thimbal for a sports cup.

    If I saw him in person, I’d tell him he’s a total pu$$y and that I’m going to smack him upside the head with my Cockasaurus.

  19. Auslander’s style of writing is indeed effective–if his audience is composed entirely of children on a playground. What it does go to show is the level of argument we can expect from the control freaks: Do what we say, or we’ll make penis jokes.

    Seriously, some of us have figured out that life is more complicated than what we were taught in kindergarten.

    • Most gun-grabbers are, under the skin. That’s why they hate and fear guns so much, they’re projecting onto others the violence they would do or would want to commit.

      • I think you have put your finger on something important here. So many times I have heard anti-gun people worry about whether they or someone close to them might be casually violent, and that’s why guns should not be handy. As in, “What if you had a gun right now and we had an argument?” Really? You have that little confidence in my or your self-control? Who should we be worried about here? I think projection is right on target.

  22. look into his eyes. another sick puppy with and attraction to male members. why is this being given time on a site that bills itself as “the truth about guns”

    • Sure makes one wonder when he equates gun ownership, and of large guns at that, as if we’re forcing him to swallow Mr. Happy.

    • What a helpful, insightful, and well-written comment.

      From wikipedia:

      Auslander is married with two children, and currently resides in Woodstock, New York.

      • Your point? There are a lot of married men who are in the closet. The cause of one of my female friend’s divorce was she caught her husband with gay porn and he confessed to being a secret homosexual.

  26. Why is braindead trash like this even confronted? Hell, mikey is Plato compared to this guy. I’d be embarrassed having this jackass on my side in a controversial subject; he’s like the equivalent of our fringe whackos we have to police every now and then.

    But, therein lies the rub, doesn’t it. You won’t ever fund a gun-grabber “policing” or demanding decency from a scumbag like this. Why? Because whether they are outspoken or not, gun-grabbers are overwhelmingly the same as this guy.

    Always gotta fund it funny, though, when some idiot says gun rights supporters are “forcing” an agenda when all our agenda is is to PRESERVE what was already there for thos who wish to take part in gun ownership, while their agenda is to FORCE everyone to abide by their terms. Leftist hypocrisy…this is my surprised face.

  30. So if someone says they carry a snubby, they’re making two statements at once?

    A perfect dick was ruined when that guy grew ears.

  31. I hate this guy with a passion. He’s a embarrassment as a Jew, and now he’s an embarrassment as an American. You’d figure someone that self-hating would have offed himself by now, honestly.

  32. Stand back lads, I’m going to do Liberal Logic!

    See, let’s grant his premise for the sake of argument. Maybe I am just compensating, though my choice of a snubbie might give the lie to his “idea”. It has less bearing on my girlfriend, unless she actually does have a small penis, which would make me gay, which would make Mr. Auslander’s criticism HATE SPEECH! And hate speech is for bigoted white males, which Mr. Auslander certainly seems to fit. Why are you so homophobic, Mr. Auslander? Hoplophobic homophobe, doesn’t quite roll off the tongue, but I’m pretty sure we need a government agency devoted to stamping out this sort of bullying. Am I getting the tone right? I am trying here. Whinge whinge whinge, a victim is me, my delicate feelings, yadda yadda yadda.

    A better idea, Mr. Auslander, is to read your Freud like a good onanist, and don’t let your keyboard run off with your intellect, assuming you have one.

  33. So, let me get this straight. If I had a large enough of a Johnson, I wouldnt need my Colt .45? Would my Johnson in and of itself be considered a lethal weapon? And if it is considered so a lethal weapon, would I have to have a concealed weapons permit for it before I left home with it? How large of a Johnson would it have to be before it would be considered lethal?

    Unless your packing an elephant trunk, carry your gun!

  34. I say we pass a law banning all sports cars from being owned by men. Only mini-vans and pink vw beetle convertibles for men. Permits for buying a truck after a background check to be sure its for work only.

  35. is it me or does this guy look like” private pyle” just before he took the m14 into the latrine?

  36. The only thing I compensate for is my inability to precisely throw small rocks at 1000 fps. If I could do that, I would just carry a small bag of rocks on my hip… or not. I would still love guns <3

  37. He’s baiting us to say something machismo like “I’ll effin’ shot you..blah blah blah” so he can try to ride that for a minute of fame, ignore his dumbass.

  38. I am a bit confused by all this. I have no idea what penis size has to do with armed defense of yourself and your family. but then again serving in the IDF kind of drove home the point! He probably doesn’t even really know which way to point a gun much less why you would want one.

  39. “Auslander was born and raised in Monsey, and attended high school at the Marsha Stern Talmudical Academy in Manhattan. He lived in Teaneck, New Jersey.”

    Early life from Wiki explains everything.

    • what, is this another jew for gun control? learned nothing from history and wanting to force his ignorance on us. genocides happen with clockwork regulerity around the world and here’s another genious wanting to disarm.

      • Ain’t progressivism grand. I doubt another global genocide would introduce a fraction of a clue to their impermiable insanity. I would love a lesson on the history of this psycosis. I cannot fathom why someone would willfully want the world populace under any government’s or criminal’s thumb without a means of’defense.

        • Yep Rambeast, if these progressives get the one world government they tirelessly work for, the death toll by those who know “better” than us “useless eaters and breeders” would be in the billions.

  40. This is left field. I mean really left field, just don’t get it! I mean I can try to understand folks views on a subject, but this one takes the cake folks….

  41. Is Web-Tard a new term? I want to claim it as My Invention so that I can bestow it on this wanna be AVS’s Non-Grockedness

  42. Auslander’s picture above looks like he’s doing his best imitation of Vincent D’Onofrio’s character in Full Metal Jacket, Private Leonard “Gomer Pyle” Lawrence.

  43. It’s my contention that men obsessed with others’ endowment are themselves challenged in that regard or closeted homosexuals. To borrow from Seinfeld, “not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

  44. well as Sigmund Freud says…….”A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity” believe Mr. Auslander may need more love from his mother……

  48. i’ve got lots of guns, and in all the years since puberty, when i learned how much fun playing “hide the pickle” with girls was i’ve never had a complaint, and the only one who laughed said she did “because it felt so good”, which leaves mr. auslander’s arguement lacking any merit as far as i am concerned, except to wonder if he’s jealous because he ain’t gettin’ any from all those pretty gals buying guns these days and heading out to the range with the guys.

  49. to “j” and the other jewish gentlemen posting, you have no reason to apologise. auslander is the “bad jew, not you. self defense is lawful, it says so in the torah, if you defend the life G-D gave you then you are following his law. if auslander allows himself to be murdered for lack of an effective defense he has rejected G-D’s gift of life. by defending your life you show respect for that gift.

  50. Just a thought his fixation on other mens penises and how he goes into detail on shaving them. Makes you wonder about what he does with his private time

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