I feel compelled to write this because of what happened to my very best friend. She asked I not use her real name, so I will call her Josie. Josie and I live about 2800 miles apart but we are, nonetheless, the best of friends. Our friendship has survived the distance for over two years now and I don’t know a more compassionate and loving woman. We align politically and talk on the phone at least twice a week. We have even joked together about me being a “gun freak” and the fact that she’s never fired a gun. Ever. But about a month ago, that joke was no longer funny to either of us . . .
Josie was going through a separation from her abusive husband. He hurt her physically, sexually, and emotionaly. She was in tears daily because of what she was suffering. She would send me photos of some of the abuse inflicted on her and I would cry for her. I wanted her away from her abuser, but she was married to him. How could I ask my best friend to divorce her husband when she still loved him? I was as supportive as I could be of my friend who was in a relationship with a man who felt it necessary to slash all four of her tires.
In mid-March she was home alone in a house she shares with her 11-year old daughter. Her estranged husband broke in and attacked her while her daughter was at school. He violently assaulted and attempted to rape her. He duct taped her mouth and slammed her head into the floor repeatedly. He strangled her with his bare hands until she passed out.
While she was unconscious, he stole her phone and her computer and left her there injured and alone. I still remember how scratchy her voice was from being strangled when she called me from the hospital. I remember thinking, “how could this happen to the kindest woman on the planet?”
Josie was obviously scared. And it made me wonder, “What would have happened had she been armed? Could she have prevented herself from being hurt?” And the answer, of course, was yes. Her attacker was unarmed. A gun would have leveled the playing field. She would have been hurt, but drawing a gun may have been enough to make her abuser think twice. She might not have even needed to fire the gun. Just seeing it, knowing he was unarmed, could have been enough. It could have saved her from the injuries she sustained during the attack.
This is an incident that obviously hit too close to home for me. This is why women should be armed. This is why I’m always armed. Josie could have been killed in this attack and her abuser has threatened to kill her since because she called the police. Do I recommend she get a gun? Hell yes. This is why women should be armed.
This issue is less about guns. Yes a gun would have helped her, but there were plenty of other measures that should have and clearly weren’t taken prior to that.
A restraining order is just a piece of paper. If the abuser isn’t in jail or in the ground, a firearm is her only real defense.
If he abused her in the past, not just threatened her, the appropriate other measures would have been getting him arrested, and imprisoned, for assault, rape, etc.
Precisely, the victim couldn’t have filed a restraining order to avoid this scenario, however staying as an abused victim for a lengthy period of time only amplified this occurrence.
Often not as easy for the victim as it seems to us.
” . . .appropriate other measures would have been getting him arrested, and imprisoned, for assault, rape, etc.”
Unfortunately, these kinds of situations are never, ever as easy as this sounds. Usually, there are established patterns of dysfunctional behavior (co-dependence for example), threats to property, other family members, pets (a common target—“I’ll kill you’re dog” . . .) that may appear impossible to someone being abused. When this happens, the sense of isolation and helplessness can seem absolutely total. As often as not that’s when The Really Bad Thing usually happens. This usually, but not always, happens to women. And when it does, yes she needs a gun and the knowledge of how to use it.
And then he posts bail while awaiting trial and goes and attempts to kill her. Unless you somehow convince a judge to not grant bail, she is going to need a way to protect herself.
Leaving an abusive relationship the moment it became abusive was the first step. OP indicated that this individual stayed for a lengthy period of time which upped the percentage chance of this occurring.
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… and since all I know of the story is what’s written above, I am in no position to say for certain which of those other methods, if any, were both viable and useful. Or which she tried and wasn’t able to get in place due to, oh, I don’t know, a bad attitude on the part of the local PD.
The bottom line for me is, however, don’t blame the victim.
Agreed let’s not blame the victim here, nor the author. Of course her friend should get a restraining order, a dog, counseling, self defense training and tools, one of which could appropriately be a gun. All of the above. Hope she can get some real help soon in any case.
I agree that blaming the victim does not help. It might seem easy for those of us who have never been in an abusive relationship to say that we would leave at the first sign of abuse. And maybe some of us actually would–maybe some of us actually have. But it’s not like that for everyone. Abuse is always, ALWAYS the fault of the abuser. No matter the abuse, no matter the circumstances. I would only say that, once she made the decision to leave and they were no longer living together, she should have gotten a gun. She may have had her own reasons for not doing so, and I’m not blaming her for it. But it would have been the prudent thing to do. The question is whether she would have been willing to use it, even if she had it. If not, then she was right not to have gotten one at all.
“It’s incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser. Over 70% of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has ended the relationship. … We tend to stereotype victims as grizzly headlines, self-destructive women, damaged goods. ‘Why does she stay?’ is code to some people for, ‘It’s her fault for staying,’ as if victims intentionally coose to fall in love with men intent upon destroying us.”
From a TED Talk by Leslie Morgan Steiner, herself a survivor of domestic abuse.
http://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave
When calling for a gun….
you always have to be clear that you are willing to use it.
From what I read I doubt she would’ve been able to pull on him, or worse he would’ve known she had a gun.
No 9mm packed to your hip is gonna protect you from an enemy within your own family.
It is a valuable tool once you decided to fight back and end it there, for better or worse.
But without the resolve to pull the trigger the gun could even lead to further escalation.
Few people of this type tend to take it too kindly if you try to pull a gun on them.
So if you do it, do it right.
Mindset -> Skillset -> Toolset
+1
Precisely. A gun alone probably wouldn’t have been any help to her. If she couldn’t even bring herself to divorce a man who was beating her, what are the odds she’d be able to shoot the bastard?
Agree. Planning on the presence of a gun causing that kind of prick to suddenly become an adoring angel is near suicidal. If you get the gun, plan on having to use it. And the idea that she would be beaten, but then he would somehow “change” because of the gun is idiotic. After he beats her, he’ll take the gun and shoot her. If he breaks in, present. If he moves one more inch toward you, fire until the threat is gone. If that occurs, having a restraining order and several arrests for assault to refer to will make the case clearer for investigators.
OTOH, if my BFF told me these stories, my response would be “I’ll be there in 3 days”, and my car would be loaded for bear and on the road in an hour. I would personally teach her how to use a handgun and help her figure out which one she would like. When she had a CC license and a satisfactory rig, I’d feel I could go home. If someone broke through her door in the meantime, I suspect he would attack me.
I know at least one person who didn’t think they’d be able to shoot someone. They were wrong.
So, no, a gun is not worthless even if you’re not sure you’ll use it… sometimes that calculation gets skewed when self-preservation kicks in.
A person will never know until that time comes…
But the woman the OP is describing sounds like a doormat. Not everyone has it in them to extricate themselves from a bad situation, much less hurt (or kill) someone.
I had this conversation with my gf years ago. The fact is she doesn’t have it in her to hurt someone and more importantly, she freezes in high stress situations. We decided that even if we get her a CCL in the future, she probably still won’t actually carry.
Keep in mind a large portion of basic training in the Army, at least Infantry basic is to overcome the aversion to killing in people. And yet, quite a few soldiers STILL hesitate in combat or intentionally or subconsciously miss when called upon to kill another human being in combat.
This is why the average person, when threatened with violence laughs nervously and tries to deflect the situation. Violence, especially deadly violence is utterly alien and jarring for most people. Especially women.
you make the decision that you will pull the trigger when that becomes the thing to do in the gun store, just before you say “I’ll take it”
if you aren’t committed before you take the first step, you just bought the criminal a gun.
As the author noted, even the presence of a gun may be enough to deter the attacker. Obviously not a guarantee, but it is a valid option nonetheless.
A gun won’t help her. What she needs is:
– A gun
– training
– practice
– home carry
What she needs is a psych eval for figuring out why she would have stayed with an abusive individual for a lengthy period of time. yes her abuser was a psychopath, but permitting the abuse only further pushed the probability of this happening.
“What she needs is a psych eval for figuring out why she would have stayed with an abusive individual for a lengthy period of time. ”
But, but, she loved him… (I’m not saying that in a mocking way. People have been known to not think when emotions are involved, and love is among the most powerful of all emotions.)
I once got a face full of glass from a similar type relationship. Why didn’t I leave? At that age the little head was more convincing than the big head. The face-slam finally clarified things for me.
Anyone who says things like this has never known anyone in an abusive relationship or known that someone they knew was in an abusive relationship.
Get out of the basement. Live a little. Then you might understand.
+1.
Don’t blame the victim for what she couldn’t do. Blame the attacker for what he did.
+2.
+3
A gun wouldn’t help her.
If you pull your gun, you better be capable of pulling the trigger.
Gotta echo the sentiment about the willingness to shoot. She wants to scare him but not shoot him (because “love”) … So he takes her gun and… It ends up being even worse.
She needs counseling to heal from her “love”… So she can be in the mental space to actually defend herself.
“How could I ask my best friend to divorce her husband when she still loved him?”
Seems like there are two people here with mental health issues: 1) A guy who thinks it’s o.k. to beat up and terrorize his wife, and 2) A woman who is too delusional to realize that her life and her daughter’s life are both in danger.
Women can use guns to protect themselves, but they need to identify the threat first. For reasons beyond my comprehension, many of them fail to identify the threat, even when it’s obvious to everyone else. Until that threat is identified, a gun isn’t likely to help much.
I can’t get into Josie’s mind, but I’m afraid I must agree here. The love she feels for husband is not self-sacrificing; it is enabling a violent man to have control of her. I understand your reluctance to encourage divorce, but even the most orthodox Christian would urge Josie to take her daughter and put some miles between them and Prince Charming. I have watched too many women (and one man) endure this kind of abuse, only to have their lives and finances ruined. For the sake of your friend, get her away from this monster. Then worry about the gun.
I’m very enthusiastic about minorities and women having access to personal defense of the ballistic kind. But, love shmove, at some point she must extract herself from the dangerous situation. She is endangering her daughter by being co-dependent on this thug. And BTW you have described probably just one attack. What’s to love from his guy? Along with some firearm training with all respect she needs mental counseling. I hope it works out for her.
Do you know if her father abused her mother?
Yeah, this guy needs to be in prison for attempted murder. A gun is useless to someone who has been choked unconscious and still refuses to throw the book at her attacker.
Agree with all the comments above – it doesn’t sound like she would have been able to draw, let a lone shoot if needed. Very sad.
Yup
I agree with many here. Read “On Killing” by Lt. Col. Grossman to truly understand the importance of knowing just what you are getting into when owning a gun for self defense and the psychology around killing. Its a huge issue that in my CC training, was not really addressed; that is the psychological aspects of employing (or at the last minute not) lethal force. Its a really tough issue that all who carry have to think deeply about and train for.
This video is infused with the typical radical feminist falsehoods: “rape culture” being a prime example.
And yet it inadvertently proves our point on what will protect you.
But only if you will use it.
Willpower trumps firepower every time. Having a gun without the will to use it is an exercise in futility.
Sorry, Sara, but Josie needs psychiatric help more than she needs a gun.
Agreed. 100%
I have nothing to add that wouldn’t be inflammatory.
I’m with you Ralph. A rerun of weeks ago of women afraid /unable/unwilling to shoot the a###ole who beats her. Once again my wife taught self-defense years ago at a YWCA and most of the white women were afraid to be violent. Whether it’s a “come to Jesus” moment or just being fed-up I can’t answer…
That is a really great commercial from “moms”. It totally shows why women have the right to bear arms, and should do so. 911 and a “restraining order” are of absolutely no value when somebody kicks in your door. Buckshot or even a .380 could do wonders.
The fact that the abusive man in the video is armed makes absolutely no difference. He could kill her with a gun, or he could kill her just as easily with his bare hands. That mom needed a gun, and “moms” want to prevent her from having one.
Hate to say it, but it sounds like her mindset wasn’t there. Yet. Hopefully she knows better after being attacked. If not, a Taser C2, X26, X2 or X3 could be good alternates. Have her train some with whatever weapon she chooses.
My wife often carries a Taser because she doesn’t feel comfortable with a gun. That may change in the future, but it’s easier for some to press a button on a Taser than to pull a trigger. A gun is a lot ability if there isn’t a will to use it.
Sara Tipton,
The situation that you are describing sounds exceedingly dangerous for your friend. If it were my friend, I would tell her to immediately flee to a destination at least 600 miles away and stay there until her estranged husband is in jail with no chance to get out on bond.
I say this for two reasons. First, the estranged husband has demonstrated that he is ruthless, violent, and disciplined enough to plan his attack and escape. That means he could plan another attack that would most likely succeed in killing your friend. Second, if your friend was unwilling to divorce her estranged husband, I am concerned that she would be unwilling to shoot her estranged husband in self-defense. That negates any possible benefit to being armed.
As we have said on this forum many times, firearms are not magic talismans. A determined and disciplined attacker who is intent on killing you has a very good chance of succeeding. That being the case, your friend’s best strategy may simply be to remove herself from the danger zone.
Yeah im not sure a gun would have necessarily helped but it couldn’t have hurt. A gun does level the playing field but only if she was ready to use it. Like many have already said before me, if she “loved” him and was delusional enough to still be with him, than she surely wasn’t prepared to shoot him.
Yes, it could have hurt. If she presented it and then entered a screaming, crying breakdown, he would have taken it away from her, which could lead to no good result. If she is not ready to stare right into his eyes and say “give me a reason”, it would probably be counterproductive.
Having a gun is one thing, being able to fire it, regardless of whether you know your attacker or not, is another. Getting over that emotional “hill” and firing on your attacker (even if you had a relationship with that person) is a real obstacle.
My S/O was a victim of severe emotional (and occasionally physical) abuse in a 9 year marriage. Thankfully she got out of it, but only after LEO involvement. It could have ended up much worse if it weren’t for the fact that the “final attack” was in public and bystanders swarmed to help.
Soon after our relationship began, she decided to learn the ins and outs of guns. She submits her CWFL application on Wednesday. We’ve spoken about the hypothetical of having to shoot someone you know who is a threat to your life. It’s a real challenge, one that you really don’t know the answer to until it actually happens.
Who knows if any hyperbole was involved in the telling, but G. Gordon Liddy loved to tell the story of his wife, while he was in the Federal pen for Watergate, holding a burglar at bay with a .357 revolver and the youngest son at her side, telling him, “Watch as Mommy makes the bad man’s head explode.” Supposedly, the bad guy soiled himself, and after asking her not to shoot him, waited calmly for the police to arrive.
She has to be willing to use it otherwise she’s a statistic. I don’t recommend moving with the child until the paperwork is done. She could be charged with kidnapping.
In this situation I don’t think a gun would have helped…..possibly even made the situation worse. I know I am going to get a lot of crap for saying that but here is my reason. If you pull a gun you need to start putting lead on target immediately. When you introduce a gun in a confrontation you have the very distinct possibility of having it snatched out of your hands and used against you. I’m not a fan of showing a gun to potentially stop an attack. The attacker might have a gun concealed and shot you. If you decide to carry or use a gun for protection you need to have conditioned your mind and muscles to draw and shoot. The “can I live with shooting this person” or any other thoughts should be decided well before pulling that gun out. I’ve been in situations where I had a gun concealed and someone tried to attack me. I never pulled the gun out…Instead I kept putting space between us and verbally deescalating the situation…To the point of me say “yes I am a pu$$y and you are 100% right, please don’t harm me because you can obviously kick my a$$.” I could care less what others thought and my ego. I’m an adult! This isn’t a movie or tv show. I was happy how the situation ended. Because like I mentioned before once I pull that gun I am eliminating all potential threats as quickly as possible. Which would have been him and his three buddies. Do I think your fiend should own a gun? It depends…..Not to mention her husband should be locked up for a long time for attempted murder.
I agree with your process, and would add that once I see there is no way around it, my plan is one word, drawandfire. If the attacker is quick enough to get turned around and moving away before there is a loud noise, that is fine, I’ll be happy to let him go. But I will not be standing there waving a gun around like a terrified sissy while a criminal takes it from me and kills me with it.
How could I ask my best friend to divorce her husband when she still loved him?
Sounds like many cases where bystanders understood the friend was on an inevitable path. Can’t really ask them, they already know what their situation is and they’re continuing, for their own reasons, to stay in it. From the outside it’s “don’t you realize..” because it seems insane to stay. You can point out that this is setting the expectation for the children– this is going to be their perception of male/female relationship dynamics and that needs to stop.
Had a friend who worked with me at a restaurant, he was the cook. His younger sister came in one day and he ran out to go home and beat up/throw out Mom’s latest husband. Sister had run in because new husband was beating mom up like the last 2 husbands and 2 or 3 boyfriends did.
Always wondered how a woman managed to find that many abusive men…. and how abusive men kept managing to find her.
A gun in this situation isn’t the solution until the woman decides the situation needs to stop, and is willing to do whatever it takes to stop it without hesitation.
CROCK OF SHIT. a gun is NOT a magical talisman that bestows killing powers upon whoever wields it. MOST LIKELY, she would not have had the conviction to shoot her lover, JUST AS SHE COULDN’T LEAVE HIM!!! as with most things, the operator is the problem.
In not so many words – yes. Operator problem. If you are going to draw, you should probably be dead-set on firing at your target. A moment’s hesitation could have disastrous consequences. If the guy turns tail and runs, don’t pursue, the fight is over. If he sticks around, fire.
I’m not a magical mall ninja, so I’ll admit I might hesitate in shooting someone I knew in a formerly positive fashion, if it were a violent confrontation. That thought could very well kill me.
It’s why I train and practice as often as possible.
Also, people need to know that shooting someone isn’t an instant death sentence. You shoot to stop, not to kill. With today’s medical technology, someone who is shot can usually survive, provided emergency services get to your location on time. Bullets aren’t instantaneous death machines like Hollywood depicts. Barring a lucky one through the heart or other vital, the person you just shot is going to go down and probably scream, piss themselves, and moan until the medics show up.
As a matter of fact, Florida law (your mileage may vary) requires that if you shoot someone in self-defense, you should render first aid. It’s a bunch of statistics, but it should offer some comfort. Aim center mass, put your opponent down, and hope he lives through it if it’s someone you know.
She needs focus on keeping her kid safe. She needs to file charges and get a restraining order ASAP. Of course, I would prefer she acquire a weapon and receive training but that might not seem like a viable option to her. ANY weapon is better than no weapon. If she decides to get armed, she must not hesitate if she points it at him. The RO will likely justify her shoot. I wish her luck.
Disappointed but not surprised by many of these comments. Thanks for sharing your friend’s story.
Why are you disappointed? Only a tiny few people have said something ignorant about Josie not leaving the situation etc. The vast majority of replies have been that a gun would not be the answer for, “Josie”.
I’ve taught women’s self defense and had a couple close friends in Josie’s situation.
A weapon is just a tool. That’s it. A tool is only as good at the person that uses it. The fact is that she has acted up until now like a doormat. If she is not pressing charges on this creep, she is not even willing to hurt him /legally/. How in the hell would she be willing to hurt him bodily?
It sounds to me like she needs counseling a lot more than a weapon.
I’m sorry, Crystal, but this blog has “truth” in the title, so dissembling does nobody any favors. The fact is that anybody who would conduct themselves as this “husband” has done, is owed no loyalty or support from the victim. Anyone who would beat you DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!!! They are merely demonstrating how their emotional dwarfism relies on their ability to dominate their chosen victim. You are no longer a wife, you are just a punching bag requiring ever more frequent and severe tune ups.
Any woman finding herself in this position had better wake up to the facts as fast as possible. It is no longer safe to be anywhere near their abusive tormentor. Every effort to put distance between you and them is justified. Divorce and restraining order come next, though these only increase the anger of the abuser. But you must realize, there is NO chance that the relationship will ever get back to normal. It is OVER!! The most dangerous thought the victim has in this situation is that she had better get back with the abuser, because nobody else will ever love her. That is utterly untrue, and is the most frequent argument used by the abuser to get back in the house.
I used to work in the welfare environment, and I saw many examples of this situation. There was a couple where he would beat her badly, she would go into a refuge until her wounds had healed, then she would disappear back into his car a few days later. I could only make sure she would have no assistance from the state until she truly separated from him. I saw her head actually change shape from the beatings he gave her.
Unfortunately in my country (NZ) it is illegal to state self defense as a reason to acquire firearms. However many people do have them, and if a victim of domestic abuse has a friend or relative with a firearms collection, this would be the safest place for them to stay. The abuser may then find his reception very different from the scenario depicted here. He really needs to be placed into his proper habitat, which is two yards beneath the dirt.
I am very sorry that your friend had to go through that. Gun or no, I would strongly suggest a protection dog. I’m a strong believer in layered security, and a large protective dog is a pretty solid deterrent. Backing it up with a gun is obviously preferable, but a pit mix/rottweiler/etc. isn’t going to stop until either the threat is gone or the dog is dead. Plus they keep your feet warm in the winter.
A dog might actually be a good idea. A dog wouldn’t be hampered by Josie’s indecision or inability to act.
That was my thought. Fido don’t give a $#%& about family history.
Yep. But a real dog with protective instincts, and not something that comes off the ground when it barks.
Sara:
From your description, it really does sound like your friend is not in a state of mind where she could pull the trigger if necessary. Given the distance mentioned, I’m going to go ahead and assume she’s on the west coast somewhere. She should seriously consider checking out something like this:
http://www.goldenstatek-9training.com/available-dogs.htm
NOBODY with two brain cells to rub together breaks into a house with a dog that looks like that. And those dogs won’t hesitate. Perhaps even better, it could help with her recovery. Knowing that the animal is right there ready to protect her at a moment’s notice could bring her enormous comfort. At any rate, something to consider.
Just to clarify…
She had a restraining order at the time of the attack (a lot of good it did her). She did leave him. She was living by herself because of his previous abuse. He kept finding her. He broke into her house. He is currently behind bars for attempted rape, assault, and a few other charges, but I’m not sure which others. They cannot arrest someone until he commits a crime. Saying she should have left him is useless too because she did. She reported him several times before and he kept coming back.
I understand you all don’t know the whole story, I focused on his violent attack. When I said “how can I ask her to divorce her husband?” I was referring to divorce. She had already left him.
I hope that helps.
It does help. A GUN would have done the trick. See:Ralph and my comments.
A dog with a protective instinct would be an excellent addition.
Best luck to her for rectifying a bad situation.
If it is the case that this maniac just gets passed through the system and keeps reappearing like the terminator, and she is truly ready to defend herself next time, then yes, of course she should arm herself. The justice system has failed her and her life is in danger. I’m sure every one of us would give that same advice to our own daughters.
I’m liking the protective dog (suitable breed) and whatever defensive weapon she is able to employ.
Having said all that there are no guarantees in this life. If she has any friends or relatives locally, that would be a huge help. Co workers is another option. Good on you for being a good friend.
Sarah, you’re story resonates. You did good by sticking by your friend. You also did good by telling her story. It’s something that can’t be said enough. Most people have trouble understanding how easy it is to be manipulated by an abuser. Abusers are very good at choosing their victims . . . which is why most people, who’ll never encounter an abuser, express wonderment that such things can happen. They are very, very lucky.
Agreed.
And many (if not most) of us who have experienced abuse don’t really like to tell the story, perpetuating the myth that it is less common than it really is.
Though her ex-husband (I am assuming by now) is in jail–those charges will not keep him in there indefinitely. As violent as he is (usually when they threaten to kill, the usually do follow through with at least the attempt unless killed themselves in the process) he almost certainly will try to track her down–it is not impossible for him to reach to reach out and touch her and her daughter from inside the prison. She needs to get armed and well trained, not just in firing the gun, but in tactical training, including psychological preparations, weapons retention and other aspects. IDPA training and competitions (which are also fun) can help build her reflexes.
She needs to be prepared to kill and train out of herself false guilt. She needs to have one weapon with her at all times and also one home for her daughter. It would not be the first time an ex-husband or boyfriend has murdered a child to get at his former wife or girlfriend even when that child is also his own!
I know of a 12-year-old boy that killed an intruder holding his grandmother at knife-point. His father trained him starting at a much earlier age than that before he adn his wife were killed in a tragic car accident.
He shot the intruder right in the head–AND it was with his late father’s .44 magnum!
The shot was taken from the top of the stairs with the intruder and grandmother at the bottom.
Your friend does not need anything close to that–a 9mm will do the job well and is far more controllable. The daughter needs to be trained also and have easy access to that weapon. perhaps they could start out in an IDPA or IPSC training course together. Many guns shops sponsor IDPA and/or IPSC training for a nominal cost and sponsor local competitions.
They should prepare themselves. Even if he never comes back (but i would not bet on that one) such preparation could save their lives from other bad guys out there.
But I don’t need to tell you that.
Very respectfully,
SamAdams1776 III Oath keeper
Molon Labe
No Fort Sumters
Qui tacet consentit
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
Corruptissima re publica plurimae leges.
Idque apud imperitos humanitas vocabatur, cum pars servitutis esset
Don’t worry Sara, the psychology experts are here to offer unsolicited advice!
Instructors drill with repetition until we respond in a constructive and life saving way in emotionally laden situations. She should get regular training. She can shoot then debrief the resultant emotions later.
A law wasn’t passed herr and people thought this was the NRA refusing to compromise. I asked a lawyer for a major shelter for battered women about the law. She’s a liberal vegan and not pro gun. She said, “it’s usless.It just gives the police one more thing to charge the assailant, but doesn’t prevent assailants from doing their thing.”
I read a number of posts, and I think it is unanimous. She needs the mental mindset to standup and fight this threat. If she cannot do that, she should put enough distance between her and the threat (move) until time severs that bond she has with this lunatic. Once she has that mental mindset that she is going to fight with every ounce of strength she has, get the gun and training.
Sounds like someone needs to take a little vacation to visit their friend and see if the husband shows up and give him a little talking to. Or find a large male friend who is more local to help her out. The husband obviously thinks women are weak so a strong minded armed woman in the house might be a good thing.
I’m from Illinois where as many of you know concealed carry was not legal until recently. When I was younger we knew a woman who had an ex-husband who had abused her and even attempted to kill her multiple times. He would get put away for a while, she of course had a restraining order, moved, etc., but he kept coming back for her. Because she could not legally carry, she had multiple trained German shepherds that walked patterns around her, surveyed the area, and were ready to fight the second she was in danger, but to my understanding she was still attacked again. As far as I know he was eventually locked away for a very long time, but the point I am really getting at is sure a gun may have helped, but if multiple large, trained to attack German shepherds weren’t going to scare him off a pistol probably wouldn’t. The upside of the gun is that such a piece of filth may have been neutralized earlier, but it very well could have just ended up with her dead.
I have known other women with stalkers who likewise had no real means of self defense. Sometime the best you can do is avoid being alone.
Bottom line: Never blame the victim. You have never been in her/his shoes. Abuse can mess with you in serious ways. You do not necessarily want a victim armed. If they are jumpy and paranoid (rightfully so) that could end in tragedy. If they are trained, comfortable with their weapon, and determined to protect themselves more power to them.
This is a common story for abusive relationships and many of us probably have first hand experience in one form or another. My wife was abused as a child. When we decided to get married (33 years ago), she told me in no uncertain terms, “If you EVER hit me, I WILL kill you”. Since I’m writing this now you already know I never have. As many have already commented previously though, Josie is a sheep and the mere possession of a weapon would have been useless. Until she makes the transition from sheep to sheepdog then running and hiding is her only weapon of choice. I don’t wish to impugn her character or motives or choices, but I simply can’t understand why anyone would choose to remain in such an environment. The whole concept is alien to me.
It is very foreign to me as well. I can’t fathom hitting a loved one. I’m no saint and have been in fights with my sister, wife, cousins who have attacked me, and I started giggling which made them even madder. I’d just bear hug them and tell them to calm down. I never used my fists and had no intention of harming them. We were kids and later with my wife it was kinda cute. No one hit anyone in the face and after a couple of hours we were laughing about it. I just don’t understand how or why someone would hurt someone to the point where seriously harm was inflicted, especially to a women. My mind just can’t compute that.
It is stories like this one, that remind me of this quote from “Ender’s Game”:
“…the power to cause pain is the only power that matters, the power to kill and destroy, because if you can’t kill then you are always subject to those who can, and nothing and no one will ever save you.”
“This is why women should be armed.”
OK, let’s not go overboard here. It’s good advice that women should be armed, but some women needs to be armed more than other women, if you get my drift.
Forget that “maybe she wouldn’t even have needed to fire the gun” crap.
‘Guy breaks down the door?
Body armor drill: Two to COM, one to the head.
End of problem
Permanently.
I have enormous sympathy for anybody (man or woman) who finds themselves in this situation. They are effectively kidnapped body and soul, and the destruction wrought by the offender is as much psychological as physical, in fact this is the part that is fun for them. They like to toy with their victims, and relish the power this gives them.
Normal people do not behave like this. But those brought up in abusive families can prefer the familiarity of the abuse and willingly become victims, while a psychopathic offender has the ability to read (but not experience) the painful emotions felt by victims. The real tragedy is that many victims would rather be abused than be alone. Until the abuse becomes life threatening, when a latent survival instinct kicks in.
But a sustained abuse victim emerges in a much more damaged state than someone merely affected by casual violence. There is much work to be done to restore a sense of worth and reacquire a moral compass, where they can determine what behavior is acceptable and normal. Until they understand that they are worth as much as anybody else, and have a right to feel safe and appreciated, they will not realise that they have a right to defend themselves against a predatory attack.
The sad fact is that Police forces rarely concentrate on training for domestic violence incidents, whereas this should be a large part of their work. Social workers do not have the needed enforcement abilities, but they can protect any children involved. This is important as children from such relationships can go on to become victims and perpetrators in the next generation.
The work to restore the dignity of human worth is every bit as important as the effort to separate and maintain physical safety. Until domestic abuse is accorded the same approbrium as terrorism or murder, there will be too many victims and too few refuges for those affected.
I’m as pro-gun as they come, but it’s not a simple solution. She may need a gun to save her life, but she may need to kill him — her daughter’s father — to do it. As I say, it may be necessary, but if she cannot do it then it’s not a solution for her.
I’m not suggesting that it is the case here, but I’ve never seen a woman get hit unless she was perpetually abusing the man mentally and emotionally until he just couldn’t take it any more. I’m a bit wary of the “arm women” movement because so many of them instigate and provoke dumb men to violence. We’re essentially talking about giving women carte blanche to kill any man she wants just because he’s a man and she’s a woman… You don’t have to look far on Facebook or Tumblr to find the extremist feminazi types who pretend to be victims just because men exist… Give those freaks guns? Really?
A smart man gets rid of a mentally and emotionally woman at the first signs. But then it begs the question, can the species survive with less than 0.1% of females being fit for procreation? There are so very few non-abusive women, humanity would be extinct if all men were smart enough to avoid the undesirables.
I don’t think that even a trashy slut deserves to be strangled and raped, but the hateful human trash that pretend to be hurt and want to kill everything with a penis just because, and they are an overwhelming majority, should not be allowed to have guns. Period.
Worse, stories like this are usually fabricated for a divorce payoff. It’s an insult to real victims that divorce lawyers advise and coach women to make such accusations as SOP.
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