I’ve taken five concealed carry licensing classes. Thank God Texas reduced theirs from eight to four hours. These mandatory classes are deadly dull. Useful for a newbie, of course, but a clear infringement on Americans’ constitutionally protected right to keep and bear arms and ditchwater dull. Most of the time, they take the form of a lecture, with the instructor only pausing to ask the occasional rhetorical or trick question. Rebel that I am, I silently imagined remarks which would have shaken things up a bit. Here are my top three (please add yours in the comments) . . .

  1. I can’t wait for my restraining order to expire!
  2. Look how dirty this barrel is!
  3. Who doesn’t love head shots?

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124 COMMENTS

  2. Hey ! My kinda guy.

    If you can’t have fun with a gun, what’s the point?

    Of course, I don’t have a gun, so it is a bit of imagineering on my part.

  4. Can I scratch my head with my pistol? What if my finger is not on the trigger?

    A shotgun is a wonderful tool. It can be used to fire slugs and shot, but in a jam, it works great for a pry bar.

  5. if you really got around to asking those questions, would you have changed up the order, depending on if you were open carrying or concealed carrying that day?

  6. So not walking around with my finger on the trigger is just a guideline right?
    Hey teach…can you show us how to spin the gun on our finger when we re-holster it?
    When I eat too much I undo my belt and pants. Will that be a problem when I c.c. my 6″ N frame?

  7. I prefer, “D’they make ammo wit bacon grease on it – yah know, for the mooslims?”

    • It’s funny you should ask. There are actually some “Muslim load” shotgun shells with bacon bits in them. Google “remington isis load”.

  8. I used my last 2 “clipazines” shooting head shots when I got my Texas CHL. Instructor gave me a few looks, but that’s about it. I told him if you’re going to make me shoot every round(after already shooting a passing score), I’m going to have fun with it.

    • Best shooting day of my life punching ragged holes, on a day he wanted me too spread them out……

    • Should have Mozambique’d the target. That way you look like you’re actually trying. If you can accurately shoot a moving target in the head, I really don’t see why you shouldn’t. “COM” is just a euphemism for shooting the baddy in the heart, and that’s just as lethal as blowing their brains out.

      • In addition to it’s high concentration of vitals, you shoot at COM because it is the slowest and most predictably moving part of a moving target. Just like you wood shoot at the center of a propeller, rather than trying to hit one of the blade tips.

  9. If I do have to shoot someone who is threatening me, where do you recommend the coup de grace shot?

    I’ve heard that if you shoot some scumbag who’s banging on your front door that you should drag them inside before the cops come, true? (Actually, you do hear this one from time to time….)

  11. Don’t worry, all my felonies are over 10 years old.

    Followed 5 seconds later by …

    They were all just a misunderstanding anyways.

  14. My favorite has to be, “Man, am I glad that is over with, now who wants a mustache ride?”

    • Only works if you’re using a Glock 17 with high-explosive armor-piercing incendiaries.

  17. “Ive heard that you can’t shoot a fleeing thief in the back in Texas. Is it OK to shoot ’em in the legs until they turn around?” :-), A Ron White fan

  19. I was in a CC class in MN where an older navy vet kept asking about finishing shots. On three separate occasions during the class, he asked.

  21. “So does the background check look into me, or will they look into my other personalities? Because Pazuzu is a real asshole.

  24. Just spin a semi auto around in your hand like that guy last week. That’ll garner some looks.

  26. Someone in my class asked if he should administer CPR to someone he wounded in a DGU.

    The instructor said, “Sure. He’ll bleed out faster.”

  27. “If they are running away, can I still shoot them in the back?”

    “What if I like turning the gun sideways?”

    “Why do we have to check the chamber so often?? Seems like a waste of time to me.”

    “Damn I smell like skunk, probably shouldn’t have hit that blunt I found in my car.”

  31. The last CPL course i took (through a buddy, for my wife) he had ne do the course with nothing but head shots.

    • The Kentucky CCDW permit covers all of the above plus switchblades and fixed-blade knives of any length.

  35. “I never served in the military but my 3 gun commando training on the weekends
    should count for something!”

  36. If I shoot an intruder on a full bladder but I don’t want to just leave the body unattended, is it kosher to just pee on the body?

  37. “If someone is lying, and you know they’re lying, can you shoot ’em?”

    ‘Armed and Dangerous’ (1986)

  40. One of the guys in my LTC class got into an argument with the instructor over why it wouldn’t be legal for him to shoot someone stealing his lawnmower out of his back yard.

    Also, I never felt like my class was boring at all, took it at Centex Guns in South Austin. The teacher was pretty funny and kept the class engaged the whole time.

    • Did the lawnmower have sentimental value?
      Was the lawnmower unique? Not possible to be replaced?

  41. Once I get this Texas CHL, I can finally carry in New York and nobody can say anything.
    Whats the best pistol caliber?
    Where can I get a full auto glock?

  44. In my class the cop used me in the 21 ft drill. He pretended to have a knife to make a point. I told him I wasn’t about to do for real with him.
    What’s that he asked and I said I would kick you in the balls and gouge your eyes out before I drew. He didn’t like that bit, I didn’t like him trying to convince us we shouldn’t get permits.

  45. “A ‘safety’ is a fifth grade student who wears an orange belt and tells younger children when it is safe to cross the street, right?”

  46. 1. I can’t wait to get my license so I can get free drinks at the bar.
    2. I can’t wait to get my license so I can open carry so I can walk around armed just like the cops.
    3. I can’t wait to get my license so I can always have the last say in an argument.

  48. Two to the body one to head, right?

    When do we get to the part about shooting from the car?

    is it legal to shoot two pistols at once?

  50. Soon’s I get this paper Imma have my baby mama buy me a gat. Out of the 4 of them at least 1 ought to be legal.

  51. A lot of these comments are pretty darn funny, but I think it is important to remember that any training can be useful, no matter how mundane. If you go into it with an attitude of indifference, you probably won’t learn much. But everybody could stand to brush up on the basics and if you happen to pick up a tip or two, then it makes it all worth it.

  52. In my class, nobody said anything particularly absurd (or incriminating) but we did get what I feared most: a couple of misinformed knuckleheads repeating old wives tales and myths about Texas gun laws and deadly force, then washing it down by taking every opportunity to gripe aloud about how all our rights are going in the toilet.

    Shut up. You might learn something, and maybe we can all get out of here in 4 hours instead of 5 and a half.

  54. Actually in the concealed class I took most of the people knew little or nothing about guns. To them the whole course was interesting and informative. True,an old hand like myself found it somewhat tedious but I had fun shocking the newbee’s when we had to go out and shoot to qualify. Not to toot my own horn but I had fun when I saw the shocked faces when I blew out the bulls-eye on the target. In all honesty the range was so short a blind man could have hit the bulls-eye if one had experience shooting handguns, something none of the rest of the people had so they thought I was some sort of a Daniel Boone re-incarnated. Of course I had not the time or inclination to tell them the truth, I was having too much fun pretending I was something that I was not. You know everyone should have 5 minutes of fame. At least I did not walk into a hospital and pretend to be a doctor.

  55. Its perfectly legal for me to shoot as long as i shout out SELF DEFENSE! or STAND YOUR GROUND! first, right?

    Let me show you something I learned from watching some guy named Yeager.

  56. So how many uses is this license good for? This class reminds me of this road rage incident I had the other day. Is it concealed if I’m just holding it in my hand, because I don’t like holsters.

  58. “Can I sneak this gun past the Secret Service?”

    “Wait ’til my ex-wife finds out I’m packing!”

    “How do I play Russian Roulette with this Glock?”

  60. I think the most cringeworthy thing I heard in my AZ CCW class was something along the lines of, “if i don’t want to shoot them, can i pistol whip them”? Lots of shaking heads and a few smirks.

  62. “I am secretly filming a documentary for the Brady Campaign.”

    That will get you thrown out of any of the classes I teach along with a trespassing citation.

  63. Do you have a treadmill so I can practice shooting over my shoulder while running away?

    Do drivers license point carry over to my CHL.

  67. “Which way do the bullets go in the clip?”
    “What’s a good holster for a flintlock?”
    “Do you know a good ankle holster for a Desert Eagle .50AE?”
    And one, according to my dad, that a cop actually told my grandfather in the 60’s, “If you shoot a thief breaking into your garage, throw them though your window and they’re payed for.”

  70. Will that terrible chain saw incident affect my license? The press blew that all out of proportion.

    • Yep, and they stuffed him after he died. Then they sold him after the museum closed he went for $266,500 which is a lot of money to pay for a dead horse!

  72. After the instructor in my first class told us not to drag someone we shot into the house or otherwise disturb evidence, one woman piped up with “I suppose using a wood chipper is out of the question then.” It took us all several minutes to stop laughing.

  73. What not to say? Or how to get a better rank?

    1. “You need a big bullet like a .45 cause them coloreds have extra bones, they were made like that so they could do labor for the pure race.”

    2. “It’s not rape if we are both screaming.”

    3. Bring your own gun, quickdraw and point at instructor whenever their back is turned. Be the hero of the class.

  74. The first time I took the class I took it with my best friend who wore a shirt that said: “A restraining order is just another form of I love you”

    • I wore a shirt from 7.62 design that said Proud Infidel with a Miss Piggy look a like with a beer in one had and a shotgun in the other.
      It was actually how I told some internet friends to recognize me in the class, “I’ll be the one wearing the most inappropriate shirt in the class”

  75. How about “can you please stop with the irrelevant old fogey war stories and just teach the fricking material?” My class was 4 hrs of unadulterated bullshit about how the instructor did a ride along with cops 20 years ago, or how his law firm helped write some minor section in the legal code two iterations back, or slightly off-colored anecdotes that made most of the females in the class uncomfortable. Way to go and set a good example for the gun culture, asshole.

    • Oh yeah, he also drew his personal carry 1911, dropped the mag and racked the slide, then used it to illustrate a particular gun handling technique. Then he’d reload and reholster. Then repeat every 10 minutes or so. The entire class. Dammit, get a blue plastic training gun for demonstrations and quit yanking out your fully loaded piece. Most of us were ready to hIt the deck every time he reached for his hip.

  76. You mean I have to sit through a 4 hour class before I can legally take my gun to work and shoot the place up?

  77. I’ve taught at lot of classes over the years. There are no dumb questions.

    Real (scary) questions:

    1. Should I get a concealed carry badge?
    2. Should I carry a drop gun?
    3. Should I drag them into the house if they fall outside the door? / Should I put a kitchen knife in their hand?

    I’ve also heard some appalling statements as well, early in the classes. We’ve set those people straight – at least straight enough that as far as I know none of my students have ever discharged their firearms inappropriately.

    And I pray they never will, mostly for their sake, but their family’s sake as well.

    Training certainly shouldn’t be mandated, but it does help wise and prudent men stay away from stupid mistakes, false bravado, and doing stupid things in stupid places at stupid times.

    John

  78. My first CHL class was about fifteen years ago and I was more of an outspoken prankster then. Halfway through the class we were discussing scenarios. I raised my hand and asked the instructor if we were going to be covering the throw-away gun. There was a long silence as the instructor gave me a hard look. He finally said, if I didn’t think you were joking I would throw you out right now. I kept my cheeky comments to myself from then on. And, no, there was no elaboration about the, er, point I brought up.

  79. I wanted to ask on the firing line “Can I move away from the 96 pound Paris Hilton wannabe whose husband sent her to class with a .357 snub-nose with Buffalo Bore 357 ammo?”

  80. “I’m gonna get me one of those Glock 7s that don’t show up on x-rays, so I can take it on the plane with me.”

  82. My instructor told us about this one student that tried to register with is Texas DOC ID from huntsville.
    Another story was of a woman that couldn’t release the slide of her gun at the range and decided to try slamming the rear of the slide as hard as she could into the table.

    Also I was talking to this newbie student, who was looking at the pistols. I offered some advice on the pistols and she refused to handle them, saying it took her months to work up the courage to just come to the class.

    And having the best grouping of the group on the range and being called John Wayne.

  85. Anybody that’s against shooting somebody in the back should watch “Romancing the Stone” and tell me Danny DeVito’s character shouldn’t have been popped in the backside…

  89. Is it true that there’s a place in a man’s head, that if you shoot it, it will blow up? And have you ever fired a gun into the air whilst going “RAAAAAAGH!!!”? AND have you ever fired two guns whilst diving through the air?

  90. Um….Instructor? Yeah, you said that after a defensive gun use, no criminal defense lawyer is going to take us on as a new client without getting at least a $10,000 retainer fee up front. So my question is, how many repeat shootings would someone have to commit before they could have that fee waived?

  91. Now that I will be able to carry concealed….the neighbors dog will never know what hit him!

  93. You people know you’re just adding to the gun violence epidemic, right. You women know you’re still gonna be raped. But now you’ll get shot with your own gun, right.

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