Paul53 took last week’s prize. He’ll soon be getting a Zerust Vapor Capsule. This week’s prize is a package of Swab-Its new Star Chamber AR/M4 cleaning swabs, perfect for cleaning your modern sporting rifle. If you want to win, enter the best caption for this photo in the comments by midnight Sunday.
So, ma’am, before we begin: Do you own a dog? My quarterly qualification is coming up and I haven’t had a chance to practice.
He should have been in Auckland. It’s open season on puppies down there.
And that, officer, is why I don’t appendix carry anymore.
Home fries?!! No ma’m, I’m not here to take your breakfast order.
Did I mention my husband is out of town sonny?
That just gave me the heebiest of jeebies.
Just the facts Madam.
No, Mrs. Bickerman, it’s not illegal to wish the chewing of law enforcement, but my name is not “Officer F***meat”.
As Officer Flanagan questions Mrs. Edna Peabody of the 300th block S Maple St, he was not aware of the ever invigilating Quaker, who if questioned, would have been able to solve the mystery of who, did not let go of Edna’s Eggo.
Well you see officer, that man only freaked out when he saw I have a penis.
And he seemed like such a nice young man, too, Officer.
When you catch him, I hope you shoot him in the weewee.
I’ll do anything to get out of this ticket, officer. And I mean, anything.
This kitchen is awful clean for a murder committed here, did you use Swab-its to clean the place up???
Would you like a cookie, Smith?
You mean to tell me, I called about an intruder and you come here with an Iver Johnson .38??? I’ve got a .44 under this housecoat son. My Iver Johnson is in the Quaker Oats for last resorts.
“Ok… where exactly are the other Golden Girls?”
Looks like the only man left in her life is the Quaker Oat Man.
got it. he knew you liked oatmeal, he made you farina, his dismembered corpse is in the refrigerator, and you’d like me to pick up a light bulb while i’m out.
You said he was after some goodies that your granddaughter was bringing. Now can you describe the wolf who tried to break in?
“Ma’am can you tell me why exactly you’re keeping your husband’s head in the freezer and his, uhhh, hmmm, we’ll uh, naughty bits in a pickle jar?”
Where’s that form again? Ah, here it is…. So, mom, tell me again why you should be allowed to carry a firearm?
Whoa, slow down ma’am. I can’t understand your ramblings. Who’s been stealing your thoughts?
“So why-the-balls do you have a rocking chair right in front of your fridge?”
“There was a space and there was a building or something with flames coming out of it, and there were creatures writhing around, and they were growling and snarling. And there were flames, and I heard a voice say ‘Zuul’!”
Now, let us get our stories straight, maam. Those bodies I dragged in from the back yard, into your house were all shot by you with your Bren “in the house” to keep your honor. That works for me……., but did you have to dump so many mags?
“You were in fear of death and great bodily harm, right ma’am?”
“Well….”
“Just tell me, you were in fear of death or great bodily harm.”
So what happened the sixth time you pulled the trigger?
Ok Mom, I got eggs, juice, bread, cereal and Pop Tarts. Need any Ovaltine?
So you were just cleaning the Biden Express double barrel outside and it just went off….. twice??
“Honest officer, it’s for my cataracts.”
Hahaaa! I like it!
“You’re the worst police themed stripper I’ve ever seen.”
“Just the facts, ma’am.”
“Officer, you watch to too much tv.”
“Please tell us right away if you hear from him, Mrs. Puente.”
“And you say the Fridge Bandit was approximately how tall ma’am?”
“The body has an awful lot of bullets in it Ma’am. You wouldn’t be hiding a Thompson Sub-Machine gun under your housecoat now, would you?”
“Isn’t there ANYTHING I can do for you, officer?”
“Ma’am, you said your are twenty-seven years old??”
“No, I WAS twenty-seven when I called 9-1-1…”
Winner^
“Ma’am, you said you are twenty-seven years old??”
“No, I WAS twenty-seven when I called 9-1-1…”
We have a winner^
“If you wanted Officer Fife, you should have clicked on the other story.”
“And ma’am, how many rounds did you fire when you awoke to see the intruder naked in your bedroom door?”
“If it’s any consolation, Ma’am, our algorithm shows that this perpetrator will be shot and seriously wounded or killed sometime before November of this year. Meanwhile, if he comes back, it may be time to start getting your FOID.”
“So your not writing me a ticket?”
“No ma’am. Here in the 60’s we pride ourselves on serving and helping our communities. But I do hear that just down the road they will instruct, dictate and demand from their subjects. You don’t have to worry about that hear ma’am!”
It is the facts. Not fax.
So you killed your husband for walking in the kitchen?
Yes, I did. I just finished mopping and the floor was still wet.
“Why are you only carrying a 38 there sonny? I’m 98 years old even I carry .9 mm.”
“Okay, Mrs. Clinton, just calm down and tell me–when is the last time you know for sure that your server was still here?”
“i am standing.”
“say, is that gefilte kosher?”
“we received a complaint that you are harboring an excessive amount of stray cats. have you noticed that your refrigerator is unplugged?”
It’s the Twilight Zone episode “The Fear” with less attractive stand-ins.
Aren’t you going to frisk me?!?
What do you mean a 12ga wasn’t enough?? It worked.
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